The Blunt Instrument

Glok invented it. He knew what to call it, and he knew what to do with it. He called it the "Blunt Instrument," and he hit people over the head with it. And that worked very well for Glok, because people either became very friendly or stopped bothering him.

After a while, however, some people thought up another use for the Blunt Instrument. They found that, if they used it to hit certain things, like nails, instead of heads, it could be used to build things. One day, therefore, a gang of these utilitarian types ambushed Glok and took the Blunt Instrument, which they began to call the "Hammer."

Thus began the struggle for the Blunt Instrument. Glok found that he had a better chance of grabbing the Blunt Instrument back if he was willing to share it with some like-minded skull-crackers. So he recruited a gang, which he called a "party," and the battle was joined. Back and forth went the Blunt Instrument.

It wasn't long before something called "public opinion" began to have an influence. It seemed that most people preferred to see the Blunt Instrument used as a tool to build things, rather than as a bludgeon to beat their brains out. And that gave the anti-Glok group an advantage in controlling the Blunt Instrument. Glok didn't understand this, but one of his gang members had a great idea.

"Using the Blunt Instrument as a tool," said the Idea Guy, pronouncing "tool" like something you might find on the bottom of your foot after following too close to a woolly mammoth,"is un-Paleolithic. It's toolism."

Most of the formerly toolist contingent stopped in their tracks, self-consciously examining their feet for signs of tool. "We had no idea!" they gasped.

"Now, crushing skulls," continued the Idea Guy, "that's patriotic!"

"Hey, great going!" cheered Glok.

"And the Blunt Instrument is evil!" the Idea Guy went on. "No right-thinking Paleolithic likes the Blunt Instrument."

"Now, wait one minute there ...," objected Glok. "I want that Blunt Instrument!"

"Here me out," whispered the Idea Guy. "It requires the strong hand of Glok to keep it under control! We must never entrust it to toolist weaklings!"

And thus were the standards of political discourse set for future generations.