The Birth of Bipedalism

We were just hanging out in the upper branches, talking politics. There was me and Ufu and Kufu and Mufu and Dufu. The usual bunch. And the hot topic was the new President and his Bipedalism plan.

"What do you think of that?" began Kufu. "First Ardipithecus ramidus President in history ... or within memory, anyway. That's a pretty big deal, don't you think?"

"Oh, he's marvelous!" gushed Ufu, who was a loyal Homicrat partisan. "President Arty's going to take us to the savanna and beyond!"

"Hmph," scoffed Mufu, who was a Homiplute. "Got them funny bones in his feet."

"The peroneum, you mean?" asked Kufu. "Helps them walk on two legs, I hear."

"Ah, ha! You just don't like him because he's an A. ramidus!" That was Ufu, of course.

"That's got nothing to do with it!" bristled Mufu. "It's his policies. Wants to redistribute the fruit."

"It's your lot that's the fruit redistributors!" Ufu shot back. "Grabbing 'em all up so an honest hominid can't get his share!"

"He doesn't qualify to be President of the United Hominids of Africa," growled Dufu. "Wasn't born in Africa."

"Um, where else is there?" I asked.

"Somewhere foreign," said Dufu darkly. "Other side of all that water. We can prove it, too. Or he can't disprove it, at least."

"Oh, you and your Tree Party conspiracy theories!" scoffed Ufu.

"You keep a civil tongue in your head about the Tree Party!" snapped Dufu. "We're the only ones standing up for the rights of real hominids! I used to vote Homiplute myself, but you can't trust them anymore, either." He stared meaningfully at Mufu.

"But Bipedalism," I interjected. We seemed to be getting off track. "That's the really interesting issue, I think."

"Yes!" cried Ufu. "We must break the arborial bond! The future is beneath us!"

"Too expensive," countered Mufu. "Not practical. That bipedal crap is just going to disrupt the arborial quadrupedal economy. More trees, that's the way. Open up more orchards."

"All those other trees you're talking about are occupied," replied Ufu. "The current proprietors may have some objections."

"Minor detail," said Mufu.

"Have you seen that pelvis of his?" muttered Dufu.

"Pelvis?" we all stammered. "What pelvis?"

"Mr. Arty-farty President," sneered Dufu. "Have you seen that? Too short and wide."

"Um, I believe that helps A. ramidus stand up straight," said Kufu.

"Big whoop," said Dufu.

"But getting back to the point," said Ufu, "if we go bipedal, we'll be able to open up all kinds of new food sources. We'll be able to hunt and gather and ... and carry things."

"Dangerous and unproven," countered Mufu. "Stick with fruit and four legs, I say."

"Funny lookin' hands," said Dufu.

"I ... beg pardon?" I stuttered. "What hands?"

"The foreigner's hands," Dufu clarified. "Monkey hands."

"I believe those hands are adaptable for life both in the trees and out of them," observed Kufu.

"Look," said Ufu, "the President has the votes to pass bipedalism, whether you guys like it or not. This is the future."

Kufu rubbed her forehead, as if fending off headache. "I, uh, get the bits about 'more food sources' and 'expanding' and all that. All the same, I wonder if coming down from the trees is such a good idea. I mean, let's just think for a minute about where that might lead."

I ripped the title, "The Birth of Bipedalism," and some bits about Ardipithecus ramidus, from a National Geographic article. It just sounded so ... political.