God's Judgment on Haiti

This is a Godcast to all men and women of the earth. There has been a lot of debate recently over the significance of the earthquake in Haiti, and I have heard my name taken both in vain and in humble. Or should that be "in efficacy?" Never mind. I intend to clear this matter up heap pronto!

First of all, Pat Robertson is my boy. He's my confidant. I tell him stuff I wouldn't tell anyone else. You want the real skinny, you listen to him. If it comes from Pat, you can take it to the bank. Me knows, he does. You just ask yourself, why wouldn't I spill my guts to such a godly man? Why, he reminds me of my boy Jesus: gentle, loving, nonjudgmental, eschews wealth. Doesn't he remind you of Jesus? Damn right!

Second, yes, I threw that tremblor at Haiti to punish them. Damn right again! Some of you are saying, why would the Good Lord wreak death, destruction, and suffering on the people of Haiti? Who are you to question me? I could say that, but I'm in a mellow mood, having just beaten up on a bunch of destitute darkies, so I'm going to explain. Heck, Pat's already explained, and that should be enough for you, but I'm going to elaborate.

Back in 1791, Haiti made a deal with the devil, and now I'm paying them back. Now, when I say "Haiti," I mean maybe some Haitians. But that's good enough for me. Those guys could commit their entire country for generations. And you know what the terrible thing they made a deal for was? Independence! The dastards! I was against that. Europeans, first Spanish, then French, stole the country, slaughtered the natives, and brought in African slaves. And all of that was fine, because they did it with my blessing, and anyway, them Injuns were bad people who deserved to die, and the Blacks did voodoo, so they deserved to be slaves.

So the Haitians kicked out the French, and that was because of the deal with the devil, because everyone knows Black slaves can't beat White Europeans fair and square. I was against it, but I couldn't do anything about it then because of the deal with the devil. But I bided my time! I waited for the proper moment, some 219 years, or about 7 generations, after the deal with the devil, and nailed the distant descendants of those evil devil-deal guys. And the descendants of people who were not involved in the deal, but nevertheless lived in Haiti 200+ years ago. And people who had moved in since then. But not the descendants of the devil-deal guys who had left Haiti. Or the devil-deal guys themselves, of course. For I am a just and righteous God!

But how about all those other so-called "natural disasters?" you may ask. Why did you do those? Well, New Orleans, obviously, had some voodoo practitioners. Or was it because of homosexuality? Slips my mind. But ask Pat. He'll know. The big tsunami? Wiped out heathens. Mostly. South Asian earthquake? More heathens. Iranian and Turkish earthquakes? Muslims. Worst kind of heathens. Guatemalan floods? Ask Pat. European floods? Well, they were European. That used to be good, but ... not so good anymore. California wildfires? Liberals and gays. Red River flood? Well, I was aiming at Canada. The US was collateral damage. I could go on, but ... just ask Pat. He knows everything.