SOS

Once upon a time, in an alternate universe not far away, there was a race of beings not entirely unlike humans. These beings were characterized by extraordinarily sensitive olfactory apparatus, and it was their misfortune that their world was simply awash with Bad Smells.

The Bad Smell Problem was the order of every day. What to do about it? Could it be solved? Or managed? Or merely lived with? Was there any hope at all for the poor creatures, who were not entirely unlike humans, and their ravaged snouts?

Many solutions were attempted, with varying degrees of success. The creatures tried fragrances. They tried substances to numb the sense of smell. They tried mind-over-matter approaches. They tried to distract themselves with exciting, pleasurable, or painful activities. Or all three at once. Nothing was quite satisfactory olfactorily.

Then, one day, the beings who were not entirely unlike humans encountered some itinerant Sacks of Shit. The Sacks of Shit, or SOS as they preferred to call themselves, said that they had the solution to the Bad Smell Problem.

"Well, of course, we know how to get rid of Bad Smells," said the SOS. "In fact, we're the only ones who do. Just leave everything to us!"

So the beings turned Bad Smell management over to the SOS. After a few years of SOS management, our beings who were not entirely unlike humans were, as you might imagine, in deep shit. I wish I could say that their snouts had completely ceased to function, but that was, alas, not the case.

When the stench roared past unbearable, on its way to unimaginable, our beings had finally had enough. They booted the SOS out and turned to some of their number who claimed to be able to solve the Bad Smell Problem.

"Look," said the new guys, "first, we have to dig ourselves out of the biggest heaps of excrement. Then we work our way down. Little by little, we get rid of the actual crap. Then we can start reducing odors that waft in from the outside."

"This is all their fault," said the SOS. "And cleaning up excrement is a very bad idea. You'll do that over our empty, sanitized sacks."

Which sounded like a very good idea to many of our beings, but many others believed the SOS.

The day after the new guys took over, the horrid smells had not dissipated.

"Hey, what's up?" cried our beings who were not entirely unlike humans. "It still stinks around here!"

"Well, ... yes," replied the new guys. "Of course, it does. The clean-up will be a long process, and we all need to pitch in and help."

"But that's what we hired you for!" objected the other beings. "This is all your fault!"

"As we pointed out," observed the SOS.

Still, it was hard to forget the SOS's role in the Big Stink. (Hard for some, but not for very many, by the look of it.) And thus was born the movement that grasped the essence of the problem and clearly saw the way forward. This was the True Excrement Appreciation Party.

"We hold this Truth to be self-evident," declared the TEAP in its manifesto, "that all fragrance arises from excrement. The failing of the SOS is that they were corrupted by nonexcremental elements. That is, they were not pure, and we will accept nothing less than pure shit."