And God Created Football

So God and Gabriel were chatting one day by the ineffable throne. The subject was education.

"I'm concerned about higher education for humans," said God. "They need it to take themselves to the next level, and yet they don't seem to have the ..."

"Intelligence?" offered Gabriel.

"I was thinking more of initiative," replied God, a mite reproachfully. "I need to give them a little incentive of some sort. The attainment of knowledge doesn't seem to be enough for them."

"Oh, I don't know about that," said Gabriel. "Look, they've got Oxford and Cambridge and that Czech university."

"Charles University," God supplied.

"Yeah, that's the puppy," agreed Gabriel. "And a few others. They all seem to be doing ok."

"Hmm, yes," mused God, "but I was thinking more about America. They aren't as ... studious. And Texas, especially."

"I see your point," said Gabriel. "But what to do?"

"Sports might do it, I think," said God. "Now, for the more northerly locations, such as Harvard and Yale, I think we can get by with lacrosse, but Texas requires ... special handling. Something more challenging, something more ... violent. Something that can inspire a stadium full of half-witted rednecks to howl like banshees, get shit-faced, and puke their guts out."

"No small order," sympathized Gabriel.

"But wait!" cried the Creator, his face beaming with eurekas. "I have it! I'll call it 'football!' No Texas university will be able to survive without it! Or high school, either."

"Genius!" gushed Gabriel, ever the cheerleader.

"And one more thing," added God. "I'll put the university with its football support in the state capital, because the government won't be able to survive without it, either, and all the legislators will be out of a job."

"Oh, but that won't be necessary, Lord," said Gabriel. "It has been proven that the legislator sort of pathogen can survive hundreds of years on a cactus spine or the bottom of a rock or a rubbish tip."

"That's true, Gabe," said God, "but those guys are going to have some humongous deficits to deal with, and I don't think there will be enough rubbish tips in the world for them to hide in."