Fido

Biting the Hand

Once upon a time there was a dog named Fido. Fido is a good name for a dog. It means "faithful." When Fido's master discovered that Fido was anything but faithful, he realized that "Fido" was ... really the perfect name for the dog because everything should have a name that is the exact opposite of what it is.

Fido was big and mean and vicious, but no one had the nerve to put him down because ... he was big and mean and vicious. And oh, yes. He told his masters that they couldn't live without him, and the masters believed him. This is because people are stupider than dogs.

Fido's best trick was hand-biting, especially at feeding time.

"I'm hungry!" he would whine (chomp) . And his master would feed him some more, and "I'm still hungry!" he would whine (chomp).

Or "What do you call this shit?" (chomp).

Or "You're late!" (chomp).

Or even "Hey, this isn't bad!" (chomp).

Or any of a thousand other variations. He went through a lot of masters and a lot of hands that way, but there was always another master, ready to step up and take his lacerations. Finally, Fido got a new master who was determined to tame the beast once and for all. This master thought that you could find common ground with anyone, as long as you reasoned with them and treated them as adult creatures.

"Hi, there, Fido!" chirped the new master. "I am tripling your rations and guaranteeing always to feed you on time! What do you think of that?"

"Thanks," said Fido (chomp). "More."

So the new master gave Fido more.

"Burp," said Fido (chomp). "More."

"Fido," reasoned the master, adjusting the bandage on one hand, while sucking on the other, "if I give you any more, you're going to burst. It's bad for your health to over eat."

"More," said Fido (chomp).

"Besides," said the master, "it's getting very expensive."

"More," said Fido (chomp).

"Plus there are other mouths to feed," said the master without screaming very loudly. "I have cats and birds and fish and gerbils and ferrets. They need nourishment, too."

"That's food I'm not getting," growled Fido (chomp). "Gimme (grrr, chomp)."

"You wouldn't even like the food those animals eat," argued the master. "Especially the fish."

"That's food I'm not getting," repeated Fido (chomp). "Gimme. And the cats and birds and fish and gerbils and ferrets." (chomp)

So the master gave in and gave Fido all the cat and bird and fish and gerbil and ferret food. And the cats and birds and gerbils and ferrets.

"Burp," said Fido, almost (but not quite) too glutted to bite the master's hand (chomp).

"Now what?" screeched the finally exasperated master. "What can still be lacking in your life that makes you continually bite my hands?"

Fido cocked his head to one side. "You still eat, don't you?" said Fido (chomp).