The Ninth Horseman

It isn't just a matter of bad press. The media don't get us at all. We're just eight guys who like to get together once in a while for lunch, polo, and steeplechasing. And we argue a lot. About sports, politics, religion, and the end of the world. The usual stuff.

The media get all fixated on Death, War, Famine, and Pestilence. The rest of us - Life, Peace, Plenty, and Health - never get any attention at all. I'm Peace. The thing is, we can never agree on anything. Argue, argue, argue. Every issue that comes up, it's four in favor, four against. And I'm afraid this weighs most heavily on me because, of course, being the peacemaker comes naturally to me.

So you might be wondering why I'm writing this. Well, ironically, it appears that it was I who - how do you say it? - did something nasty to the dog, and I may not have much time, so pay attention. I was getting very frustrated with all the four-to-four standoffs, so I said, gosh wouldn't it be nice if we had someone to cast a tie-breaking vote? I didn't really mean it, I was just frustrated. But a couple of the other guys jumped on the idea. Death and War, to be exact. I should've been suspicious.

Anyway, the very next day, they brought in this guy called Tony. He was human. Not an anthropomorphic personification or anything.

"Hey, how about we let Tony hang out with us?" suggested Death affably. "As, you know, the Ninth Horseman."

"And he could be that tie-breaker you talked about," added War, a little too eagerly.

Truth to tell, our guys voted against that. But then Tony cast the tie-breaking vote. It didn't strike us as odd until later, but by then, it was too late.

Almost immediately, Tony started palling around with Death, War, Famine, and Pestilence. After a couple of weeks of this, War presented us with a proposition.

"It's time to vote on the end of the world again," he said.

The vote was 5 to 4 in favor.

"That's not fair!" I protested. "You guys used ... undue influence on Tony. He couldn't say 'no' to you."

"Not at all," replied Tony smoothly. "I voted my conscience. Military organizations are people, too, and weapons are protected speech. It's shocking that you guys would want to suppress military free speech!"

So ... I'm sorry. But we were outvoted.