Additions to the Periodic Table  This scholarly paper is intended to convey recent discoveries in the field of chemistry. If it does not bore your socks off, please lodge a complaint with the Board of Standards for Standard Bores, Scholarly Papers Division.
After the Exorcism  When the haze lifted, two figures were leaning over my recumbent carcass.
"It was a fully successful exorcism," smiled the priest.
"Fat bloody lot he knows," scowled the demon.
ALAS and ALAK  Breaking news. The US Department of Education announced today that the state of Texas will be closed immediately, due to low scores on the standardized knowledge and skills assessments administered to government and business leaders. Protests by the affected parties have been rejected.
Another Fox and Chicken Story  Once upon a time there were two chicken farmers, Farmer Jack and Farmer Jim. The two farmers were neighbors and they often consulted each other about matters concerning chicken farming. One common problem they had was protecting their chickens from predators.
Another Little Red Hen  The barnyard had long since been picked clean, and the Pig was explaining to the angry assembled animals about the Magic of the Yard and how Pass-Through Economics worked.
Anteleopian Politics  Anteleopia is a little-known nook on the African continent, or perhaps somewhere else altogether, that is inhabited only by intelligent (some say semi-intelligent) antelope and lions. The antelope and lions are said to be intelligent because they are capable of speech, rational thinking, and political organization. Those who say "semi-intelligent" point out that the speech, rational thinking, and political organization are human-level.
The Art of Neocompromise  Sometimes, it seems that compromise is a lost art, and this sad state of affairs is often blamed for the woes of the modern world, from personal to geopolitical. All, however, is not lost, for there is a new school of compromise, and its tendrils creep further by the day. A modest example ...
The Bad Boy  I never liked Bernie. He started stealing my stuff as far back as kindergarten. First, it was crayons. Then, it was pencils. Finally, it was my lunch! You name it, Bernie made off with it. The problem was, the teachers liked him. I could never make them believe that Bernie was a bad boy.
Best in the World  This is what I don't understand. We've got the greatest country in the world - make that the history of the world - and some people still aren't satisfied. Because not everybody is exactly equal. Because some people are poor. Because not everybody can afford everything. Because ... I don't know. And now we have this new President who panders to that kind of thinking. Well, we can't afford to make everyone "whole," and not everything is a goddamn right, you know.
Birthers  "Don't you understand? He has brought hope to thousands! Hope and an agenda for change." Jacob was a sucker for every slick-talking snake oil salesman that came down the pike.
Biting Point  "Just look at all the awards we got. Can't argue with that, right?"
Blood-Sucking Reform  The prospects for compromise on blood-sucking reform grow daily dimmer as the debate rages on. The central problem, as I see it, is the vanishing of the middle ground. Everyone agrees that reform is necessary, but all support one of two extreme positions, and no one seems prepared to budge from either one. The Drakul Party represents those who would reform blood-sucking by having a lot more of it. The People's Party supports regulations to reduce blood-sucking to a bearable level. The so-called "No Blood-Sucking" system employed in some backward foreign countries is, of course, antivampirist and un-Transylvanian. No one wants that except radicals.
Brain Transplant  It is a little-known fact, but the body is run by a bunch of committees. This explains why it is so hard to get up in the morning, change directions when once underway, and, in extreme cases, walk ten paces without falling over.
Building Consensus  The previous Emperor never wanted to deal with the issue. That's why we were all so pumped when the new guy took over. At last, we thought, a champion! Someone who understands our aspirations, hears our pleas, feels our pain!
The Bunker Papers  It is fortunate that the United States developed its atomic bomb before Nazi Germany. There is little debate on that, although the Nazis were, in fact, nowhere near perfecting a nuclear device. However, few people are aware of the other horror Hitler had planned, a horror that was imminent when the allies fortuitously broke the Nazis' power.
Cabinet Restoration  We have this antique cabinet, Louis XIV, I think. Or "Louis Quatorze," as my aristocratically-pretensioned grandmother always used to insist. Never knew how it wound up in my family. Maybe someone traded it for his head, or maybe it was just borne on the "deluge." In any case, it was beginning to look a bit peaked, and I decided it was time for a restoration.
Carnivora  It was early in the game, and not all the "King Phillip Came Over From Green Street" stuff had been sorted out yet. They had it pretty well whipped, down to order, but beyond that, it was still pretty much of a crap shoot. So, if you were an aspiring new species, it was up to you find yourself a good order.
Chances  "Sure is hot. I've never seen it this hot before."
Conjoined Twins  Have you ever seen any of those movies where people hang by one hand from a helicopter or a tall building or a little branch jutting out of a beetling cliff over a depthless gorge? What an unmitigated load of rubbish. In the first place, no one has that kind of strength. But if there are a few who do, and I certainly don't know them, the odds of being able to catch such a handhold, while falling, no less, are vanishingly slim. So here I am, hanging from a little branch jutting out of a beetling cliff over a depthless gorge. And that's not all.
The Copenhagen Musicians There was once a polar bear who had labored at being a good polar bear for his entire life. He splashed around the arctic seas, roamed the polar ice, hunted and ate seals, mated and fathered cubs. In short, he did the kinds of things that polar bears were supposed to do. As he entered polar bear old age, however, he found that his world no longer had a place for him. The ice was melting, and the seals were less plentiful and didn't taste as good. And the female polar bears ran and swam faster than he did. And so the Polar Bear made a momentous decision.
CRASH and ICU  The guy did a somersault into my cube, just as I was about to crack the address problem. His eyes were wild, and his hair was bright. Or the other way around, but he really looked crazy, and it just shattered my concentration. No, really. I'm sure I had the address thing whipped. This time.
The Crow Gets the Pitcher  Not long after Aesop's crow found Aesop's pitcher, a different crow found a different pitcher, but the situation was much the same. Thirsty crow, low-water pitcher, beak too short.
Defending the Water Hole  Whatever differences they may have had, all the animals shared the Water Hole. It did, after all, sustain the life of all species. In a remarkable feat of cooperation, the animals even established a permanent committee, the Guardians of the Water Hole, to defend its integrity.
A Different Deal  In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And he went through a lot of species until he came to Man. And he decided to take Man into his confidence. A little.
Driving Under the Influence  "May I see your driver's license, please?"
Drugs that Work  I swear by drugs. You're always hearing about how horrible drugs are, but I'm hear to tell you, they have their uses. Take Bessie, for instance. She's so much better these days.
An Evil Plan  The role of prophet, gadfly, and at-large noodge is not an appreciated one. Nevertheless, someone must don the mantle, and apparently, it must be me. Nor do I shrink from this obligation, unpopular and thankless though it be, for is it not written, "Somebody's gotta do it?" So here goes.
The Extremes  There is broad agreement that something must be done. The disagreement begins only when we start talking about what. The DTs and the DOs seem to have different opinions on the matter. Oh. To the uninitiated, those are the Demon Torturers and the Damned Ones.
From the CSI Archives  Cliche Scene Investigators were called in last week to investigate an unusually large number of bleached human bones that have been discovered in the Mojave Desert over the past several months. The puzzling circumstance about these remains was that there appeared to be no common factor connecting them. The remains were not discovered in a single cache or in a particular area, other than the desert. Here's what we discovered.
Health Care Professionals  "But I want to be a real healer, not just a ..."
Hear the Train A-Comin' The one principle that the Inventor laid down for all Trains was this: Keep the damn things on the track! And every Engineer since the beginning of Trains has hewed rigorously to this wisdom.
Well, almost.
God's Mistake  In the beginning, when God created the heavens and the earth, he did a pretty good job. With one exception. When the job was done, God discovered that he had a significant surplus of rats' anuses.
The Granary  In the old days, the Rats ate everything, and the people starved. That was why the Granary was built.
It'll Never Happen Again  "What? Another mass extinction? How many of my families are gone this time?"
Life in the Big Apple  So the worms figured that life in the Big Apple would work better if they cooperated a little. Nothing too radical, but not biting each others' tails or muscling the other guy away from the pulp at the minimum. There were problems from the start.
Loyal Guard  I don't know why people don't like me. I'm just doing my job, but do they appreciate that? No wa-ay! It's "You shouldn't be torturing this one" and "You shouldn't be persecuting that one" and "You're too extravagant with the people's taxes" and "How could you murder your own mother?" Sheesh! A guy can't get a moment's peace. They think I'm crazy. As in insane.
Man and Wolf  This is the elemental struggle of Man against Beast.  It comes down to this.  Just Man and Wolf, separated by nothing but open air ... and an age-old difference of opinion about who should rule. This is not a pursuit for the faint of heart. No! Only the brave, daring, and resourceful need apply! I can see the hatred in its blood-shot eyes, the heavy drool slavering from its savage lips, as it roars the primeval challenge of its kind!  And I, I accept the challenge with full-throated welcome.  And drop the bugger with a canister of poison gas from the helicopter.
Manfox  There was a time when the Red Fox was mercilessly hunted by silly aristocrats wearing red clothes called "pinks." Difficulty distinguishing colors was only the merest hint of these people's emotional issues, but the Red Foxes came to know their persecutors as "Pinks." It seemed appropriate...
Moderate  As a moderate, it is my role to strike a balance among radicals of all colors. The Left thinks I am a reactionary. The Right thinks I am, at best, a Liberal stooge. But they both need me and others like me. Otherwise, no cool-headed compromise could be accomplished, ideological intransigence would prevail, political gridlock would ensue, and society would crumble. I'll give you an example.
My Crazy Daughter  Sometimes, I think that I'm going mad myself. It's all the stress and fear that comes of watching your child lose her mind. I know I should get her help, and there are ever so many good mental facilities around. But I can't let her go. I keep telling myself, against all experience, that she will get over it.
No Right  "No, listen. There's nothing ideological about it. Really. Here's how it works. Everybody chips in to pay for it. Then everybody is protected. We do it that way because it would be too expensive for each person individually. That's just sense."
Not Worth the Price  "Captain, Captain! There's a whacking great gash in the hull, and water is pouring in!"
The Only Good Samaritan  The Good Samaritan was surprised to find a crowd milling around in front of the inn. The millers looked a bit unfriendly. Not to mention very armed. And they were blocking his access.
Ornian Nestbuilding  Once upon a time, in the land of Ornia, nestbuilding was in the paws of rodents. And this would have been completely unremarkable, if we were not talking about birds' nests.
Peace Prize  Big wars. Small wars. Medium-sized wars. Intermediate medium-sized wars. World wars. Regional wars. Interplanetary wars. Civil wars. Uncivil wars. Intercity wars. Intracity wars. Wars involving two countries. Wars involving three countries. Wars involving five countries at first, but then two dropped out and three more joined in. The Marsian language had 1746 words for war. But none for peace.
Planet of the Aged  I found him in the ruins of a once-great civilization. He was a young, young man.
Recent Events Explained  "Liver?"  "Check!"
The Security Bill  "The passage of this bill is essential to the survival of our kind. Any further delay, or indeed weakening of this legislation will surely accelerate and intensify the consequences of our folly. The President wants this. Our constituents - your constituents - are overwhelmingly in favor. They have given a majority to the party that pledged to carry this issue. My colleagues, I call on all of you to set aside partisan agendas, transcend the pay-to-play game, escape the snares of greed and self-interest, and place, for once, the interests of our species ahead of your well-heeled patrons."
Sir Phil  No, really. I was the best. Everybody talks about Lancelot, but I used to kick his ass regular in the tournaments. How did this happen?
Sir Workbench  His origins are veiled by the mists of time, his history shrouded in mystery, his mighty deeds obscured by mounds of Silly String. But this was the last of the great Knights of the Round Table. Some say he was the last project conjured up by Merlin before he went senile. Most say after.
Strengths and Weaknesses  "I'm sorry," I said. "It's a Board ruling."
Structural Experts  It was a grand old house, broad, high, and well-maintained, with many rooms and ample amenities for its myriad happy Tenants. And, until the Unfortunate Incident, it had successfully weathered the vicissitudes of time for over 200 years.
A Tale of Two Parties  Georgie and Dickie were the most popular kids in school, and just about everyone wanted to join their clique. My friends and I, on the other hand, were what you might call ... less popular.
Texas DST  This is to announce the implementation of the new DST for the state of Texas, effective immediately. The new DST, or Darkness Savings Time, replaces the cumbersome, complicated, and inefficient old DST, or Daylight Savings Time.
Three-Legged Stool  Once upon a time, there was a Master Thronemaker who catered to all the Crowned Heads of Europe and beyond. His thrones were the perfect marriage of art and functionality. All of them were constructed from only the finest materials and topped with soft, luxurious cushions stuffed exclusively with the down of thronebirds, a species endowed by its Creator with feathers ideal for this specific purpose. So perhaps it would be more accurate to say that the Master Thronemaker catered to the Pampered Bottoms that were connected to all the Crowned Heads of Europe and ... so forth.
Tigers and Fraidies  Every few years, the seals choose a new leader. Selection is approved by majority show of flippers, so the leader is known, of course, as the Seal of Approval, or SoA. The seals also had an unelected political pundit, a surly walrus, who just hung around and blathered about this and that. Some, mainly the Walrus himself, believed that the seals gathered round him because he was an essential part of the community, due to his keen political insights and scintillating personality, but the truth is that he was simply to big to move out of the way.
To Serve the Consumer  The point that is often missed in the media coverage of this contentious debate is that there is really broad agreement between the two sides. They agree that costs are too high and that reform is necessary. So how hard can it be to reach an agreement?
Too Failed to Be Big  None of us can now remember how they got into the hive. All we know is that one day, they were there. We stung a few to death, but they kept coming in. And after a while, the queen took a shine to them.
Ungrateful Racehorse  There was once an amazing racehorse such as had never before been in the history of horse racing. This horse won more races at an earlier age than any horse anyone could remember. People flocked to see him run, and the moribund, boring old sport of horse racing began to generate unprecedented interest, not to mention a great deal of principal.
Up in Smoke  "JR," said Dad icily, "I found the cigarettes in your room."
What Wheels Are For  Oogluk had a huge load of rocks to move and no idea how to move them. He had a box. He had the will. What he didn't have was enough muscle to pull that rock-filled box from Point A to Point B. What to do, what to do?
Witch Hunt  The sound thrashing administered by the Tweedle-Dees to the Tweedle-Dums in the last election has given rise to speculation that the T-Dees may seek to prosecute the alleged crimes of the T-Dums. The new President has disavowed any intention of such prosecution, but the simmering rage of the electorate has kept the possibility alive. With that in mind, I have undertaken to interview select members of the out-going administration to assess their opinions on this subject.
With Us on All Issues  We apostles were divided. There were two new applicants for membership, and no consensus appeared to be forthcoming.
Zappers  We found the first one in the mud, and it changed the course of the war. From the beginning, there were critics. "It's too horrible," they said. "It's immoral to turn that thing on members of your own family," they said. But the enemy was swarming us, and the zapper turned the tide. We code-named the first one "Frank." Clearly, it was the gift of a wise God.