To Serve the Consumer

The point that is often missed in the media coverage of this contentious debate is that there is really broad agreement between the two sides. They agree that costs are too high and that reform is necessary. So how hard can it be to reach an agreement?

"We fully support your annual migration," said the crocodile, "and we are committed to getting you across that river."

"But you eat half the herd in the process," said the wildebeest.

"Cost of doing business," shrugged the crocodile.

"Well, we are exploring other ways to do business," replied the wildebeest.

"Now, we admit that the ... toll has gotten a little ... high, lately," said the crocodile quickly. "And we're very sorry about that. See how sorry we are?" And he burst into tears.

"We've seen the crying bit before," said the wildebeest skeptically, "and it won't wash this time. So to speak. One of the young bucks has found a better fording point upstream. Fewer crocs, for one thing."

"And where would that be?" asked the crocodile quickly. "I mean, that might be an area where we could help you out."

"Never you mind where it is," retorted the wildebeest. "I have no doubt that you'll find out soon enough, anyway. But the main point is that we're considering building a bridge there."

"You can't do that!" snapped the croc.

"Why not?" asked the wildebeest.

"Well, you're bloody wildebeest, for one thing," the croc pointed out, quite reasonably. "How're you going to build a bridge?"

"Again," replied the wildebeest, "never you mind. Maybe we can find someone with opposable thumbs."

"That's un-African, that is!" snarled the croc. "The only proper African way of crossing a river is to wade in among the crocodiles! Anything else is unpatriotic!"

"And what is your plan for reducing costs and making migration livable for the common wildebeest?" asked the wildebeest.

"We agree that reform is necessary," sniffed the crocodile, tears again rolling down his snout.

"But your plan," persisted the wildebeest. "What's your plan?"

"There's a lot of waste and fraud among ... certain wildebeest," said the crocodile insinuatingly. "We have to reduce that. And keep wildebeest from making wild accusations against crocodiles! That's very annoying."

"Well, if it's all the same to you," said the wildebeest, "and even if it isn't all the same to you, I think we'll just go ahead with the bridge option."

"Honest, patriotic, freedom-loving wildebeest will never stand for that," hissed the croc.

"And why would you think that?" scoffed the wildebeest.

"Because we told them that it was unpatriotic, un-African, and un- some other things," said the crocodile.

The wildebeest shook his head. "You feast on wildebeest as they try to cross the river. I find a way for us to cross safely and cut you guys out of the equation. And you think you can persuade us to ignore our own best interests so that we can keep feeding you. Now, who's going to buy that?"

The crocodile grinned confidently. "You underestimate the stupidity of the average wildebeest," he said.