Hear the Train A-Comin'

The one principle that the Inventor laid down for all Trains was this: Keep the damn things on the track! And every Engineer since the beginning of Trains has hewed rigorously to this wisdom.

Well, almost.

For many years, each successive Engineer did his darndest to keep the wheels on the tracks. Occasionally, circumstances being what they are, best efforts failed, and the Train would skitter off into the woods for a bit or into a ditch or something, but the crew would always get it back ... on track. Eventually.

But a word about the Passengers. The First Class Passengers occupied a fancy car up near the engine. They thought they owned the Train, and they generally got to choose the Engineer. They also didn't think much of that staying-on-the-tracks nonsense. They felt that it impinged on their right to do whatever they pleased, and principles of Inventors and laws of physics be damned. The Lower Class Passengers weren't really important, according to the First Class Passengers. They were just along for the ride. However, there were rather a lot of them, and when they got their act together, they could overrule the First Class Passengers. When that happened, the First Class Passengers called it "Class War." When it didn't, the First Class Passengers called that "the Will of God." Only rarely were the other Passengers able to get their act together. For one thing, some of the other Passengers thought the First Class Passengers were just the smartest, most admirable people alive. These Passengers thought the First Class Passengers gave a rat's hindquarters about them. They not only wanted to be just like the First Class Passengers, they actually thought they were just like the First Class Passengers. And they demonstrated this by parroting everything their betters said.

It came to pass that the First Class Passengers got themselves an A-1 prime First-Class-Passenger-loving Engineer. Practically the first thing he did when he climbed into the engine was to take the Train off the tracks. Of course, that isn't what he said he was doing. What he said was this: "Look out ahead! Danger! Danger! Can't just keep on going straight, you see. So I'm taking evasive action."

Most of the Passengers took his word for it. If you couldn't trust the Engineer, who could you trust? But a few were suspicious. They noticed a certain absence of rails under the wheels, a bumpiness of ride, an invisibility of railroad ties. That sort of thing.

"Hey," called the suspicious Passengers, "What are you doing, taking the Train off the tracks? That's very dangerous behavior, and likely to lead to Bad Things."

"Oh, nonsense and pooh-pooh," replied the Engineer. "I'm not taking the Train off the tracks. And anyway, it's only to avoid the imminent peril ahead, and only for a short time."

"You guys are cowardly, anti-Train sympathizers," said the First Class Passengers.

"Tsk, tsk!" said the First Class Passenger wannabes.

"Sounds like 'off the track' to us," complained the squeamish Passengers. "Feels like it, too."

"Oh, no no no no no!" insisted the Engineer. "Since I am saving the Train from terrible danger, the Train is really more on the tracks than if it were really on the tracks."

"You're a bunch of traitors," said the First Class Passengers.

"Yes, traitors," agreed the First Class Passenger wannabes.

Well, to make a long story ... a little less long, the Train was soon dangling over a severely beetling precipice.

"What shall we do?" cried the Passengers.

"No idea," said the Engineer. "I'm outta here."

"How could this possibly have happened?" asked the First Class Passengers, quickly pocketing all the silverware. "But it's not our fault."

"But do you have any ideas?" asked the other Passengers.

The First Class Passengers said nothing, but proceeded to pack the china.

And so a new Engineer was chosen by the hoi polloi Passengers because the First Class guys were fresh out of ideas. The new guy did have some ideas about what to do.

"Everybody to the rear of the Train," he instructed. "That will keep it from doing the big drop. Then we'll get some winches is here to pull 'er all the way back up on terra firma, and then we can get 'er back on the tracks."

"Whoa back there!" cried the First Class Passengers. "That's a very irresponsible and expensive plan you've got there!"

"Irresponsible and expensive!" chirped the wannabes.

"Whom do you expect to pay for all this?" whined the the First Class Passengers. "Don't expect all us Passengers to pay for your extravagance!"

"Yeah, extravagance!" echoed the wannabes.

"I do expect you First-Classers to pay your fair share," said the Engineer. "Your fare will be going up, but I'm going to cut the other Passengers' fare a little."

"The first and most hallowed principle is to keep the Train on the tracks!" lectured the First Class Passengers, suddenly full of idea. "You're tyrannizing us!"

"Tyranny! Tyranny!" squawked the wannabes.

"Stand up against increased fares!" cried the First Class Passengers.

"No increased fares!" bleated the wannabes.

"I'm not increasing your fares," explained the Engineer to the wannabes. "Only the First-Classers, who have not been paying their share."

"Tyranny! Tyranny!" cried the wannabes. "No to higher fares!"

And the First Class Passengers managed to pause for a smile, while they stripped the Train of its fixtures. There is no greater gift, they thought, than delusional morons. And the Train teetered on.