Building Consensus

The previous Emperor never wanted to deal with the issue. That's why we were all so pumped when the new guy took over. At last, we thought, a champion! Someone who understands our aspirations, hears our pleas, feels our pain!

And so it was with optimism, anticipation, and - dare I say? - eagerness that we awaited the great convention the Emperor called to address the issue. Everyone was there. The crowd stretched as far as the eye could see in all directions. As the Emperor approached the High Point to rally the multitudes, a great susurration followed his progress. The excitement was electric.

Then I saw them.

"It's ok," I cried. "Just a moment, please. I'll just get a few of the guys together and run those bastards off!"

"No, no, my son!" called the Emperor. "You mustn't! They're here at my invitation."

"Skuas?!" I shrieked. "S-bloody-ku-bloody-as? But Your Highness! We are here to solve the predation problem, and these are among the worst of the lot!"

"Exactly," replied the Emperor Penguin. "We cannot solve this problem without the participation of all the stakeholders."

"Stakeholders?!" I peeped as well as I could manage. "If we were being gobbled up by vampires, I would be right alongside the stakeholder concept. In this case, I think bow-and-arrow holders would be more appropriate!"

"Calm yourself, my son," enunciated the Emperor orotundly. He was known for his talent at oratory. "We must all come together to solve in mutually beneficial ways the problems that affect all of us. It is called 'consensus-building.'"

Then I noticed the others. Eagles. Not as numerous as the skuas, but a strong presence nevertheless. Just beyond the edge of the ice, shark and orca snouts probed the air. And leopard seals, flippering their way threateningly across the ice.

"Brethren," cried the Emperor Penguin. "Let us begin!"

"We want free access to the eggs!" shouted a skua. "All that keepin' 'em on your feet and not lettin' 'em out of sight is a restraint of trade!"

"Hear, hear!" cried the eagles.

"Where, where?" gabbled the skuas.

The Emperor held up his wings for order. "Now, you have to agree not to eat too many eggs!" he replied.

"Oh, we do," said the skua. "We do."

"That's right," said an eagle. "Us, too. No overeating. Eagle's honor."

"See how much progress can be made when sincere parties bargain in good faith?" kvelled the Emperor.

"Hey!" called one of the orcas. "How about smearing some coloring on those white bellies? They're really hard to see among the snow and ice."

"If we do," intoned the Emperor, "you, in turn, must promise to curb your appetites!"

"Oh, sure," said the orca. "What you say."

"You guys need to slow down a little in the water," barked a leopard seal.

"And ease up on the tricksy evasive actions!" added a shark.

The Emperor eyed them sternly. "And are you ready to pledge your self-control?"

"Absolutely!" laughed the leopard seal.

"You have our word," said the shark, as piously as possible. For a shark.

My head was spinning. This was horrible! In fact, it couldn't possibly get any worse ... unless, of course, ...

"Your Highness, Your Highness!" I cried urgently. "Please don't tell me you invited the ..."

And then they were there. From all directions they came. From the land, from the sea, across the ice. And the air was filled with their raucous cries. "Woo-hoo!" and "Yee-ha!" And then the loud explosions that seemed to accompany them everywhere.

"Well, looka here, Billy Bob!" bellowed one. "Ain't that a beaut?"

"He's mine! He's mine!" shouted another.

There was a sharp crack, and the Emperor Penguin fell slowly backward.

I, with family in tow, was scooting for the edge before he hit the ice. There was no danger there, for all of the other predators, with the sure professional knowledge of the mind of their kind, had skedaddled as one.

So we still have no resolution to the predation problem. That must wait for another time. But our enemies, at least, we know. It was a narrow escape from the folly of our friends.