Blood-Sucking Reform

The prospects for compromise on blood-sucking reform grow daily dimmer as the debate rages on. The central problem, as I see it, is the vanishing of the middle ground. Everyone agrees that reform is necessary, but all support one of two extreme positions, and no one seems prepared to budge from either one. The Drakul Party represents those who would reform blood-sucking by having a lot more of it. The People's Party supports regulations to reduce blood-sucking to a bearable level. The so-called "No Blood-Sucking" system employed in some backward foreign countries is, of course, antivampirist and un-Transylvanian. No one wants that except radicals.

I am here at the Transylvanian Legislature, covering the on-going drama, and I see Representative Vlad of the Drakul Party.

"Representative Vlad," I say, "has there been any movement on Blood-Sucking Reform?"

"It's a government takeover of the Blood-Sucking System, that's what it is! I've never talked to a single real person who is in favor of the 'Public Sucking Option!'"

"I could help you out there, sir," I suggest. "I can introduce you to a few dozen."

"I told you, I don't talk to those people! Don't you listen?"

Ah. That appears to be the end of that interview. What about the person on the street? There's a young lady in a flimsy negligee, and she's crying. Let's see what's wrong.

"Excuse me, miss. What seems to be the problem?"

"I want my country back!" wails the semi-clothed woman.

"Has someone taken it?" I ask.

"It's that new People's Party president! This is not the Transylvania I grew up in!"

"So ... no one flying through your window at night to suck your blood anymore?"

"Oh, he still comes, but the president wants to stop him. It's a government takeover of the blood-sucking system."

"Actually," I point out, "I think all the proposals on the table allow you to keep getting vamped at will."

"No, no! It's a government takeover of the blood-sucking system. That's what my vampire told me! Anyway, the president's teeth are all wrong."

"So, you like having your blood sucked?"

"Put it like that," she says, "no, not really. But it's Transylvanian."

Ah, here comes Senator Igor of the Drakul Party, and he's smiling.

"Senator Igor!" I call "What news?"

"Ah, ha, ha! The best! Ve have a compromise!"

"Really?" I am surprised. "This is very unexpected, isn't it?"

"Indeed, it is! But people and ... vhatever ... of good vill vill alvays triumph in ze end! Ze government agrees to subsidize people of low hematocrit."

"Um, beg pardon? What do you mean, 'subsidize?'"

"Ah, ha, ha!" laughs Senator Igor. He always seems so jolly. "Everyvone is going to be required to have zeir blood sucked! But zis may not be fair to ze blood-poor. Zo, if ze hematocrit is low, ze government vill draw somebody else's blood and turn it over to ... our clients. Zo everyvone gets fed. As it vere."

"Um, how do the suckees get fed?" I ask.

"Everyvone who matters," Senator Igor corrects himself.

"And this is a compromise?" I ask.

"Sure!" says Senator Igor. "Somesing for everyvone! Ze People's people can say zey have reformed blood-sucking! Ve get more blood! Ze people who believe everysing ve say vill be told zat everysing is fine!"

"But the other people?" I inquire politely.

"Like I said," says Senator Igor. "Everyvone who matters. Ah, ha, ha!"