After the Exorcism

When the haze lifted, two figures were leaning over my recumbent carcass.

"It was a fully successful exorcism," smiled the priest.

"Fat bloody lot he knows," scowled the demon.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I yelped, attempting unsuccessfully to back into my mattress. "What the ... hell is that doing here?"

"Good one," chuckled the demon.

"This," blushed the priest, "is Dikkwad. Your demon."

The demon extended a friendly talon. "Just call me Dikki," it cackled affably.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I yelped again. "And again, whoa! I thought you said it was a successful exorcism."

"Um, well, um, yes," stuttered the priest. "I did say that. And it was. I did expel the demon from your body, but ... well, it seems ... that is, it turns out, that ... well, there's nothing I can do to keep him from just hanging around."

"It's a free universe," said Dikki.

"I'm afraid he's right," apologized the priest. "I've been through the Divine Law from top to bottom. He's on television all the time now, too. Just a heads-up for you."

"And you!" I said, rounding on the demon as best I could, consistent with not falling out of bed, "You've got a hell of a nerve!"

"'nother good one!" observed Dikki appreciatively.

"I'd like to know how you can have the brass to show your face around here, after what you've put me through!" My indignation was righteously incandescent. In my opinion. "Why, you put me through the tortures of hell!"

"Good tortures," replied Dikki with some indignation of his own. "Those were good tortures. For your own good."

"My own good?" I replied with (I hope) scathingly sarcastic skepticism. "How do you figure?"

"Had to do it to get the information I needed," countered Dikki blithely. "To protect you from the Bad Guys."

"Bad Guys?" I managed. "You mean, worse than you?"

"Oh, yes," replied Dikki without blushing. "Saved your life a few times there, I shouldn't wonder."

"I don't suppose you could be more specific," I probed. "No, didn't think so. After all the suffering you put me through, I think the very least you could do is apologize."

"Apologize?" gasped Dikki. "Me? You'd think I'd unloaded a round of buckshot in your face! Even then, it would be you who owed me the apology! I don't know where you namby-pamby panty-waists would be without us demons to kick your asses for you!"

"Safe, happy, and at peace?" I suggested.

"Well, I am insulted," sniffed Dikki. "I have half a mind to just ... bugger off and leave you pathetic mortals to your fate!"

"Oh, could you? Please?" I begged.

"Impossible!" cried Dikki, thrusting out his ... what passed for a chin. "I must stay to the bitter end. Public service is my curse."