Defending the Water Hole

Whatever differences they may have had, all the animals shared the Water Hole. It did, after all, sustain the life of all species. In a remarkable feat of cooperation, the animals even established a permanent committee, the Guardians of the Water Hole, to defend its integrity.

The Guardians of the Water Hole included representatives of different species: lions, wildebeest, leopards, rabbits, and so on. Their prime mandate was to keep the water pure and ensure that all species had fair access to it.

One day, a human arrived, inspecting the environs with a proprietary air.

"Hmm, yes," said the human. "This will be a great spot for our luxury resort. That ... pond thingy could be a sewer."

"Now, wait one cotton pickin' minute," growled the animals, who had mustered up quickly. "This is our home, that's our Water Hole, and you can just bugger off, understand?" To understand how angry the animals were, you must understand that they didn't even know what cotton was, and even the rabbits were growling.

The human seemed less upset than the circumstances apparently called for.

"Water Hole, huh?" said the human. "What's it for?"

"What's it for?" cried the animals. "Why, it's for water, that's what it's for! Water for all the animals, without regard for species or prey status!"

"Fair enough," said the human. "We want some water, too."

"We who?" asked the animals.

"We humans, of course," said the human. "We're animals, too."

"But aren't you always going on about how you aren't animals?" asked the animals. "How, for instance, animals are just for you to shoot and eat?"

"You've never heard me, say that, have you?" wheedled the human. "And if you had - I mean, just for the sake of argument and in case any of you little buggers have been spying on me - it wouldn't have been at a time when I needed your cooperation."

The animals grumbled a little - or a lot - but the Guardians of the Water Hole at last ruled that the human had a point, that humans were animals, and so they had to be allowed access to the Water Hole.

"Great!" said the human. "I'll just start pumping the sewage in tomorrow."

"Just hold yer ever-lovin' horses there, Bubba!" roared the animals, roaring being an escalation from growling. "As an animal of sorts, you have been granted drinking rights to the Water Hole. No one said anything about dumping your crap in it!"

"Hmm, really?" replied the human. "And exactly who is doing the granting here?"

"That would be the Guardians of the Water Hole, of course," said the animals. "They are the representatives we have entrusted with the protection of our water source."

"Well," said the human, not missing a beat, "it's only fair that we humans have representation on that ... guardian thingy."

This created a great deal more grumbling than allowing humans access to the water, not to mention angry opposition, roaring, and gnashing of teeth. Eventually, it was decided that humans did have a right to representation, but that they would have to be carefully vetted. So a confirmation hearing was held for the first human nominee to the Guardians of the Water Hole, who happened to be the very human who had first come poking about.

"Our greatest concern," began the Chairbeast, "is the integrity of the Water Hole. You have been quoted as saying that it should be made into a sewer. What do you have to say about that?"

"No truth to it whatsoever," lied the human affably. "That would be Water Hole Activism, and I am absolutely against that. Anyway, I don't have the votes yet."

So the human swore to defend the Water Hole, and he was confirmed as a Guardian. After that, other humans were approved as Guardians, one at a time. Then when the Chairbeast died in an unfortunate hunting accident, the original human assumed the Chairbeast mantle, and every time a new human joined the Guardians the human Chairbeast patiently counted the Guardians. At last, humans became a majority of the Guardians of the Water Hole.

"Right!" cried the Chairbeast. "Time to reconsider dumping sewage in the Water Hole! After all, sewage is a type of water! All in favor? Right! Start pumping!"

"You have destroyed our Water Hole!" wailed the animals.

"No, we haven't," replied the Chairbeast. "It's still there. All we've done is revised it to include all types of liquid, which is only fair."

"But we can't drink ... that ..." objected the animals.

"Sure, you can!" said the human.

" ... and live!" finished the animals.

"Oh, well, if you're going to be picky, I can't help you," said the human.

"But you swore, as a Guardian of the Water Hole, that you would defend it!" the animals pointed out.

"And I did," said the human. "I defended it from being wasted on animals, and now, it is exactly what I want it to be. By the way, we're changing the name of the Guardians to 'Guardians of the Hole.' 'Water' doesn't seem appropriate anymore. And it gives us a spiffier acronym."

"But it's our Water Hole!" cried the animals.

"Not anymore," said the human.