The Art of Neocompromise

Sometimes, it seems that compromise is a lost art, and this sad state of affairs is often blamed for the woes of the modern world, from personal to geopolitical. All, however, is not lost, for there is a new school of compromise, and its tendrils creep further by the day. A modest example ...

A guy with an apple stand is approached by Neo Guy, a prospective customer.

Apple Stand Guy: May I help you?

Neo Guy: Give apple.

Apple Stand Guy: Very good, sir. That will be 25 cents.

Neo Guy: No. Give apple free.

Apple Stand Guy: Ah, you want to bargain! Very well. You can have the apple for 20 cents.

Neo Guy: No. Give apple free.

Apple Stand Guy: I, um, don't think you quite get the way bargaining works. I come down a little, and you come up a little. You can't just keep saying the same thing.

Neo Guy: Ok. You give all apples to me and friends.

A troglodyte gang now appear to have metastasized from thin air.

Apple Stand Guy: Sure, I can accommodate you and all of your ... friends for, say, 15 cents a piece.

Neo Guy: You give all apples and apple stand and everything in cash box to me and friends.

Apple Stand Guy: Ok, let's say 10 cents a piece.

Neo Guy: You give apples, apple stand, money, and clothes.

Apple Stand Guy: What? What do you want with my clothes? Ok, let's make it a nickel a piece.

Neo Guy: You give apples, apple stand, money clothes, house, family, and all assets.

Apple Stand Guy: Ok, you win. You can have the damn apples. Just go away!

Neo Guy: And we beat crap out of you.

Apple Stand Guy: Now, wait just one cotton-pickin' minute ...

At this point, a new character enters, claiming to be the Apple Stand Guy's friend.

Friend: Right! What's all this, then?

Apple Stand Guy: These ... gentlemen want to take everything I own and beat the crap out of me!

Friend: We'll soon see about that! I will represent you in this negotiation!

Neo Guy: You listen Friend. You terrible negotiator.

Friend: Right! Now, what is it that you gentlemen want?

Neo Guy: We want apples, apple stand, money clothes, house, family, and all assets.

Troglodyte Associate: And beat crap out of him.

Friend: And what do you want, Apple Stand Guy?

Apple Stand Guy: 25 cents for a lousy apple! But I'm ready to give that up.

Friend to Neo Guy: Your demands are completely unreasonable!

Neo Guy: Oh, yeah? And what you propose?

Friend: I want my cut!

Neo Guy: Ok. Fair enough.

Exit Friend.

Apple Stand Guy: Well, damn! How come I don't get squat?

Neo Guy: Ok. We don't beat crap out of you. This time.

Joint press release by Neo Guy and Friend: After intensive negotiations, a workable compromise was reached. Nobody got everything they wanted, but everybody got something. Neo Guy & Co. got everything formerly owned by Apple Stand Guy, but they didn't get to beat the crap out of him. Apple Stand Guy didn't get to keep anything, but he is still able to walk upright and breathe without a tube.

NOTE: Like most satire, the above story is exaggerated. In reality, those Neo Guys can talk a lot better.

Guess I've been on an apple kick lately. Well, mainly apples.