The Bad Boy

I never liked Bernie. He started stealing my stuff as far back as kindergarten. First, it was crayons. Then, it was pencils. Finally, it was my lunch! You name it, Bernie made off with it. The problem was, the teachers liked him. I could never make them believe that Bernie was a bad boy.

As kindergarten turned into 1st grade, and 1st into second, and so on, Bernie only got worse. Anything left in sight was as good as gone. Anything hidden had, maybe, a 50-50 chance. And I wasn't Bernie's only victim. Not by a longshot. Finally, we gave Bernie a nickname. We figured, since he was always making off with our stuff, we would call him Bernie ... That Thieving Little Asshole.

Still, the teachers would not believe us. Not until the new principal came.

The new principal arrived when I was in 4th grade. He immediately laid down a new rule: All students were required to leave their money on their desks in plain sight. To us, this did not seem like a good idea, but the principal had an explanation.

"You are too young and inexperienced and irresponsible to take care of your own money," said the principal. "That is a job for your teachers. They are responsible adults, but they can't help you, if they can't see your money!"

Well, this still seemed daft to most of us, but the man was the principal, and students who failed to comply were punished with detention, so ... gradually, we all complied. The results were just what we had feared and expected. Bernie had a field day making off with everyone's lunch money. Our complaints multiplied with our losses. Still, the teachers would not believe us. Until the Shocking Incident.

What, you may ask, was the Shocking Incident? This, without sugar-coating, was it: Bernie stole a teacher's money. Then it hit the fan. The teachers were shocked! Shocked and betrayed! The principal was shocked! Shocked! He personally administered a very severe tongue-lashing to the unfortunate Bernie. Then Bernie was expelled!

We were ecstatic. We danced down the classroom aisles, singing, "Ding, dong, the wicked snitch is expelled!" We didn't get our lunch money back, but justice had been done, and the little SOB was gone. That was plenty of reason for celebration.

"Let this be a lesson to all of you," intoned the principal solemnly. "Never get caught stealing other people's stuff!"

Something in there didn't sound quite right, but who were we to nitpick at a time like that?

There was one question, however, and someone finally found the courage to ask it.

"Principal, principal! Does this mean we can stop leaving our money out on our desks?"

"Why, of course not!" replied the principal. "Why would you want to do that? The thief has been apprehended!"