Manfox

There was a time when the Red Fox was mercilessly hunted by silly aristocrats wearing red clothes called "pinks." Difficulty distinguishing colors was only the merest hint of these people's emotional issues, but the Red Foxes came to know their persecutors as "Pinks." It seemed appropriate...

One day, after a particularly exhausting hunt of a particularly clever Fox by a particularly persistent Pink, the Fox at last found himself cornered by the Pink.

"Ah, ha, me beauty!" crowed the Pink, taking careful aim with something that looked like a blunderbuss. "I have you at last!"

And then the local nuclear power plant melted down, the standard-issue freak nuclear accident ensued, and only one creature walked away. It wasn't Fox, but it sure as heck wasn't Man. It was ...

Manfox! Not Foxman, mind you, because the dominant partner in such a shotgun wedding always goes last. Spiderman is a Man with Spider attributes, not the other way around. Manfox is a Fox with Man attributes. And Manfox was endowed by his freak nuclear progenitor with ... Human Thinking Abilities! (Sorry. I can't say "intelligence.")

Manfox, with his HTA, rallied the Red Foxes, kicked the Pinks asses, and led the Red Foxes out of that benighted land, vowing that they would never allow themselves to be persecuted again. And Manfox led his ... vulpines into a land flowing with insects and blackberries and ... other things that foxes eat. A veritable homeland for Red Foxes!

But there was one problem. The homeland was already occupied. By Grey Foxes. And they thought it was their homeland.

But this was no problem for Manfox with HTA! He rallied the Red Foxes and drove the Grey Foxes out! Resplendent in their red fur, the Red Foxes mercilessly hunted their adversaries ... and they became known among the Grey Foxes as "Pinks."

But there was one problem. The Grey Foxes kept fighting back. The Red Foxes won every battle, but the war remained unwon. The Grey Foxes just wouldn't ... go away. This went on for years.

Fortunately, the Red Foxes found a loyal ally in the Dog Republic (or DR). The DR gave the Red Foxes anything they wanted: money, weapons, you name it. Dogs are famous for this sort of behavior. They must have imprinted on the Red Foxes early in their history and thought the Red Foxes were their mother.

One day, after a particularly unsatisfying Grey Fox hunt, a lacky approached Manfox with important news.

"Manfox, Manfox!" panted the lacky. "There's a DR mediator to see you!"

"A mediator?" mused Manfox. "I don't recall ordering a mediator. But send him in."

The mediator was, of course, a Dog.

"What are you here to mediate?" asked Manfox.

"Your war with the Grey Foxes," replied the Dog.

"Oh, right! Mediate! Nudge, nudge, wink, wink," nudge-nudge-wink-winked Manfox.

"No. Really," said the Dog. "This war is going to get you nothing but two big piles of dead Foxes. It's time to negotiate a peace."

"Who sent you really?" asked Manfox suspiciously.

"Really, the DR," said the Dog. "Cheerleading for you isn't doing anybody any good."

"Fetch!" cried Manfox, hurling a stick.

The Dog didn't move. Maybe a slight facial tick.

"Wait a minute!" said Manfox. "I recognize you! You're that impartial mutt they keep sending around the world to resolve conflicts!"

"The very same," said the Dog.

"But you aren't right for this conflict," Manfox explained.

"Why not?" asked the Dog.

"Because you're scrupulously fair!" charged Manfox accusingly. "You go right home and tell your boss that I can never commit to a negotiation process that isn't biased in my favor! We Red Foxes have been persecuted enough! Anyone who doesn't do exactly what I want is a Red Fox hater and a Pink!"

"The Pinks persecuted the weak." said the Dog, "Isn't persecuting the weak what makes a Pink?"