Sir Workbench

His origins are veiled by the mists of time, his history shrouded in mystery, his mighty deeds obscured by mounds of Silly String. But this was the last of the great Knights of the Round Table. Some say he was the last project conjured up by Merlin before he went senile. Most say after.

King Arthur had called an extraordinary All Knights Meeting to introduce the most recent addition to the Table Round. Everyone was there, from Lancelot to Gawain, from Galahad to Bedevere, from Soup to Nuts.

"Hail to you, Knights of the Table Round!" cried the King. "You are here to meet the future of knight-errantry. Indeed, the future of knight-correctry, as well! I introduce to you your newest colleague, Sir Workbench. Sir Workbench is the latest in feudal technology, conceived of and trained by the mighty Merlin to take the daily humdrum nitty-gritty of knighting off your back so that you can concentrate on the core knightly business of holy grail hunting, damsel rescuing, dragon slaying, and war. Without further ado, I give to you ... Sir Workbench!"

There was a smattering of polite, confused applause.

"Thank you, Sire, thank you." Sir Workbench bowed deferentially to the gathering of knights. "I am Sir Workbench. I was trained by the mighty Merlin. I am at your service. I am here to facilitate your endeavors. Thank you."

"So," began Sir Lancelot, "if I have a dragon to slay, what can you do for me?"

"I will supply dragon information and slaying strategies," replied Sir Workbench.

"Well, this could actually be useful," said Sir Lancelot. "As it happens, I do have a dragon that needs slaying, a real brute name Glok. If you could get me a report of its favorite haunts, marauding style, unsuccessful slaying attempts to date, and where it nests, that would be a big help."

"I'm an excellent dragon slayer," said Sir Workbench, bowing, and he withdrew to work on his assignment. The next day, he presented his report to Sir Lancelot.

"Um, this is a general history of dragons," said Sir Lancelot, as tactfully as he could manage. "Could you be more ... specific?"

"Sorry," said Sir Workbench. "This is what Merlin trained me to do. That other stuff isn't in my knowledge base. If you want me to do more, Merlin will have to train me to do it."

"Ah," said Sir Lancelot. "But Merlin has retired now."

"I'm sure you could get him to come back on a 6-month contract for 999 units of currency," said Sir Workbench.

"Hmm, yes," pondered Sir Lancelot. "I think I'll just do this the old-fashioned way."

The next to seek Sir Workbench's services was Sir Galahad, who was intensely interested in finding the Holy Grail.

"Hey, Sir Workbench!" called Sir Galahad. "Can you help me out with this Holy Grail quest I've got here?"

"At your service," said Sir Workbench. "I'm an excellent seeker of the Grail."

"Good!" said Sir Galahad. "I have some leads here that I'd like you to check out."

Sir Workbench returned with his report in short order. It was a brief history of Holy Grail lore.

"Um, I know all this stuff," said Sir Galahad. "How about those leads I gave you?"

"Merlin did not train me to follow leads," replied Sir Workbench. "If you want me to follow leads, Merlin will have to train me more. I'm sure you could get him to come out on a 6-month consulting contract ..."

"For 999 monetary units," finished Sir Galahad. "I see."

Not long after this, all of Camelot awoke one morning to find themselves surrounded by a couple shiploads of barbarians.

"Hah!" scoffed King Arthur. "We have the greatest knights in the world! We'll soon send those rapscallions scuttling off with their tails between their legs! And we have a secret weapon! Sir Workbench!"

"Sire?" bowed Sir Workbench.

"I need you to tell us how many of those barbarians there are, how they are deployed, what kind of weapons they have and how many, do they have any siege engines, and what are their usual strategies. Can you handle that?"

"I'm an excellent military strategist," said Sir Workbench.

These events are thought to have occurred toward the end of King Arthur's reign. The exact time and reasons for the fall of Camelot, however, are, you know, veiled and shrouded and all that.