Loyal Guard

I don't know why people don't like me. I'm just doing my job, but do they appreciate that? No wa-ay! It's "You shouldn't be torturing this one" and "You shouldn't be persecuting that one" and "You're too extravagant with the people's taxes" and "How could you murder your own mother?" Sheesh! A guy can't get a moment's peace. They think I'm crazy. As in insane.

So here's what I did. I took a step back from governing to, you know, develop my artistic side. And I could do that because I could turn a lot of the day-to-day details over to my loyal guard. They call themselves the Republican Guard. We call them "Repugs" for short. People are asking me all the time why a tyrant would have a "republican" guard. Well, all I can say is, it's only a word (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?). They're tyrants to the core, but they figure the name will make them more popular, and who am I to argue?

Anyway, I took up music, but do you think that helped? No wa-ay! Now, it's "You've got to put out the fire" and "How insensitive can you get?" and "Put the damn fiddle down and pick up a friggin' hose!" There's no pleasing some people.

But my loyal Republican Guard is taking care of business. From my window, I can see them laying siege to the fire station. I can see them running up and down the streets with their gas cans, dousing and lighting, dousing and lighting. You would've thought they would be out of gas, after touching off the initial conflagration, but they seem to have an endless supply. They certainly think they do. And as the flames lap at my palace, I see them doing battle down by the Tiber, contesting every bucket of water with fierce, hand-to-hand combat, blocking the roadways with logs, hurling stones at anyone attempting to fight the fire. They are inferior in numbers, but not in spirit.

"But," I hear you ask, "isn't the fire as bad for the Repugs as it is for everyone else?" As I hear you ask this question, I see another Repug go up like a torch. Tut, tut! Didn't mind his gas can properly. All I can answer is ... DUH!!!

And people think I'm crazy.