Ornian Nestbuilding

Once upon a time, in the land of Ornia, nestbuilding was in the paws of rodents. And this would have been completely unremarkable, if we were not talking about birds' nests.

The land of Ornia was inhabited predominantly by birds and rodents. Since time immemorial, the birds had built their nests exclusively on the ground and only with the permission of the rodents. At the apex of the rodent structure were the weasels. They were the idea-rodents. The muscle was mostly rats. The rodents, mainly the weasels, decided who could build nests and where they could be built. They also feasted on eggs and chicks. There was some ... grousing about this among certain species, but hey, that was how the world operated. Apparently.

Some bird species were allies of the rodents and, as such, got a bit of a pass on the egg-n-chick feeding frenzy. The vultures were spared, not only because they were rodent allies, but because they turned even rodent stomachs. Cuckoos didn't really get a pass, but they were rodent allies anyway because, well, they were cuckoo. Raptors were not necessarily rodent allies, but they did get a pass, lest they remember what it was that raptors were supposed to eat.

One day, a hawk, who had been flapping about beyond the borders of Ornia, came home with an idea.

"Say," said the hawk, "why don't we build our nests in trees? There are plenty of them around, we don't have to ask anyone's permission, and they're secure from the predations of ... various things that like to eat our eggs and chicks. That's how they do it in lots of other countries, and it works great."

Silence engulfed Ornia. In that silence, avian eyes began to open and avian brains to work. But rodent brains were also working, and ancient strategies were bubbling to the top. The depth of the silence was exceeded only by the crescendo of noise that followed.

First came the avian gabble, which went more or less like this:

"What a great idea!"

"Why didn't somebody think of this before?"

"You know, I never liked those weasely little bastards!"

"My sister couldn't even get a nest site!"

"They ate my eggs!"

And so on.

Then the rodents slithered in. They were too smart to state their lies, er, their case themselves, because they knew the birds didn't like them. So they used their surrogates. The tried and true pattern was this: From weasel to vulture to cuckoo. And it went like this ...

Weasel: Attack the hawk's character. What was he doing, flying outside Ornia? He's not like us. He's got unOrnian ideas. Is he even Ornian? Oh, and keep saying, "It's an avian takeover of the nestbuilding system."

Vulture: This is an avian takeover of the nestbuilding system. That hawk's got some foreign ideas. UnOrnian, I'd call 'em. Where was it he flew in from? I have no reason to believe that he wasn't born here, but he ain't like us.

Cuckoos: Oh, my God! A foreign-born tyrant! This is the end of civilization!

Weasel: This is an avian takeover of the nestbuilding system. We have the best nestbuilding system in the world. Everyone knows that. Just say it. Everything else is a failure. If you build your nest in a tree, the tree snakes will get your eggs!

Vulture: Very dangerous, trees. Did you know there are tree snakes that'll eat yer eggs? We got the best nestbuilding system in the world. Them foreigners would kill to have our system.

Cuckoos: Oh, my God!! It's an avian takeover of the nestbuilding system. The evil hawk wants to kill our children! Everyone knows we have the best nestbuilding system in the world!

Weasel: The birds can't do anything right. Nestbuilding only works when rodents handle it. Oh, and don't forget: Avian takeover of the nestbuilding system. Unfair competition.

Vulture: This is an avian takeover of the nestbuilding system. That's unfair competition, that is. And everyone knows the birds can't do anything right. They'll just mess it all up.

Weasel: You weren't supposed to say those two things together, you idiot!

Cuckoos: Ohgodohgodohgod! It's an avian takeover of the nestbuilding system! It's incompetent and unfair competition!

Weasel: Ok, maybe that does work.

So the hawk proposed to meet with everyone and explain his plan, since all the birds seemed to be getting inexplicably confused. The birds flew in from miles around.

"A lot of you seem to be getting the wrong idea," said the hawk. "I can't imagine how. So, listen. In the first place, this is not 'an avian takeover of the nestbuilding system.' If you want to keep on letting the rodents tell you where (and if) you can nest, and if you want to let them keep eating your eggs, you are free to do so."

"It's an avian takeover of the nestbuilding system!" howled the cuckoos. "This is the end of Ornia! We shall overco-ome! We shall overco-ome! On, on Ornia, our native land!"

"Trees are the natural place for birds to build nests," continued the hawk. "They're much safer than the ground. Your offspring will have a much greater chance of survival in a nest that's out of the reach of, well, rodents."

"This is not the Ornia we grew up in!" sobbed the cuckoos. "We didn't used to have foreign tyrants who wanted to kill our chicks! La-la-la-la-la-la! I pledge allegiance ... um, something or other. This is an avian takeover of the nestbuilding system."

"Do you even understand," asked the hawk, "what 'avian' means? It means us! We're avians! We should control our own nestbuilding! Nevertheless, you're free to feed the rodents, if that's what you want."

Heart-rending wails issued from the cuckoos. "Oh, oh! You evil, foreign bird! This is an avian takeover of the nestbuilding system!"

Then the vultures walked in and threw up.

"There was something else," mused the hawk. "Something else that I noticed in the lands outside Ornia. It had to do with raptors and rodents. I just wish I could remember what it was."