ALAS and ALAK

Breaking news. The US Department of Education announced today that the state of Texas will be closed immediately, due to low scores on the standardized knowledge and skills assessments administered to government and business leaders. Protests by the affected parties have been rejected.

Critics of the high-stakes evaluations charge that two high-stress. high-stakes standardized assessments are inadequate to base a decision of this magnitude on. ED responds that it has bent over backwards to accommodate the Texans this year, and state closure is not only justified, but is the only reasonable option. ED's accommodation consisted of two parts. First, the original standardized assessment, which has been successfully used in all other states, except Mississippi, was broken into two more manageable parts, the Ass Location Assessment of Skills (ALAS) and the Ass Location Assessment of Knowledge (ALAK). Under the second part of the accommodation, Texas leaders were allowed to use both hands.

All residents of Texas will be offered relocation in a state of their choice, either Oklahoma or Arkansas. The former state of Texas will be re-opened in the fall as two new states, each with a new function. The first state will be called North South Centralia. It will be dedicated to green shoe repair. The second new state will be called South South Centralia, and it will be devoted to sorghum.

When asked who will run and populate these new states, an ED spokesperson replied, without blushing, that it would be the same people who now run and populate the state of Texas, minus defections to Oklahoma and Arkansas. However, everyone will be required to wear Groucho Marx nose-glasses so that no one will be able to recognize them.

In an unrelated story, God has announced the closure of the planet earth, due to low standardized test scores. Earthlings will have the option to relocate to Mercury, Venus, or Mars, but not to Pluto, since that is not a planet. The planet formerly known as earth will re-open as "That Ugly Little Spud Between Venus and Mars" and will be used to provide experimental subjects to wandering alien anal probe enthusiasts.

This couldn't have anything to do with the TAKS test.