Planet of the Aged

I found him in the ruins of a once-great civilization. He was a young, young man.

"Woe!" cried the young man.

I pulled up quickly.

"No!" he snapped, a mite peevishly. "'Woe,' not 'whoa!'"

"I beg your pardon," I said contritely. "Do continue."

"Woe!" he cried again, pinning me with a suspicious eye, wary of another performance pun. "Once, we were the greatest nation in the world! Heck, we aren't even the greatest world in the world anymore."

"Um, what happened?" I prompted.

"Evil!" he croaked, seizing my lapels with plump, cadaverous hands. "Eeeee-vil! They took over! They made us work while they did nothing. They stole the fruits of our labor and left nothing for us. They bled us of every material benefit and every shred of dignity and brought our mighty civilization down to what you see today, a barren and rotting waste, devoid of beauty, devoid of hope, devoid of life!"

"They led you into disastrous wars?" I guessed, looking at the devastated landscape.

"Oh, no!" the young man corrected me. "No wars. That was another tragic mistake! They starved the war machine, wasting on themselves billions that could have been used more effectively bombing the bejesus out of some God-forsaken backwater."

"Uh, who, exactly, are - or were - they?" I asked.

"The old people!" wailed the young man. "Beware the old people! They are the most serious threat to any society! After gay people, of course. And really beware old gay people!"

"How old?" I asked, nervously aware of my own lengthening teeth.

The young man peered at me with a practiced eye. "Oh, older than you," he said dismissively. "You've got a good coupla years yet before you're like them."

"Well, that is a relief," I said, relaxing a little. "But ... and pardon me, if I'm being obtuse, how could old people do all that terrible stuff to young people? Aren't they, like, too ... old?"

"Ah, well you may ask!" rasped the young man in a voice as old as new buds. "There was an evil leader who gave everything to the old people. All they had to do was work 30 or 40 years, and then they could have everything for free! Houses, cars, expensive vacations, even health insurance! At our expense! The evil leader said we would get the same deal when we were old! Alas! It was a gigantic Ponzi scheme!"

"And no one spotted the deception?" I prodded encouragingly.

"Oh, some did," he replied. "The Wise Ones! They told us we should give all our money to them to invest in individual retirement accounts. But the people were too benighted to hark unto the words of the Wise Ones. Heed, O, heed this tale of woe! I am the last of my kind! Soon, I too will be gone! Flee, flee to your home world! Tear down all your entitlement programs! Don't neglect your military! And beware, beware of the old! Perhaps, it is not too late for you!"

Old poops, watch out. I'm on to you.