Anteleopian Politics

Anteleopia is a little-known nook on the African continent, or perhaps somewhere else altogether, that is inhabited only by intelligent (some say semi-intelligent) antelope and lions. The antelope and lions are said to be intelligent because they are capable of speech, rational thinking, and political organization. Those who say "semi-intelligent" point out that the speech, rational thinking, and political organization are human-level.

Anteleopia has a rudimentary form of representative democracy, with an elected president and legislature. Antelope and lion are both eligible, both to vote and to hold office. Ascendancy tends to pass back and forth between the two, for while the antelope are much more numerous, the lions are more vicious. And better liars. Hence, the name "lie on."

The lions' top priority is ready access to antelope meat, while the antelopes' preference is not to be that meat. One would think that elections would be a no-brainer, and in the old days, the antelopes used to win most of them. But the lions came up with a great strategy. It went kind of like this:

"Vote for us," said the lions.

"But you want to eat us," objected the antelopes.

"But only we can save you from the sharks," said the lions.

"Sharks!" cried the antelopes. "Omigod, omigod, omigod! Save us!"

Remember, we are only talking about human-level intelligence.

So the lions ruled for quite some time, until the antelopes began noticing that there were no sharks on the veldt. A few of them even figured out that sharks couldn't live out of water. Although not many. At the same time, they noticed that the lions were getting awfully fat, and the number of antelopes was declining rather alarmingly. In any case, the antelopes eventually returned an antelope president and majority-antelope legislature.

The new antelope president promised a new era of cooperation and bonhomie between antelope and lion. He extended to the lions the olive branch of peace, or the grass of peace, at least.

"We must cooperate," said the president. "We can't have a peaceful and prosperous Anteleopia without them. Let's fix the problem of antelope health."

"Why do you hate lions so much?" asked the lions.

"I don't," said the president. "Why do you say that?"

"We hate antelopes," said the lions, "so we say you hate lions."

"Ok, I think I see some room for compromise here," said the president.

"Why are you so inflexible and doctrinaire?" asked the lions.

"Beg pardon?" replied the president.

"Well, we're inflexible and doctrinaire," said the lions, "so we accuse you of that. Understand?"

"Um, not entirely," said the president. "That's lying."

"Lions, remember? It's what we do best. Other than eat antelope."

"But this gets us no closer to solving our mutual problems," argued the president.

"We like gorging on antelope as often and as much as we want," said the lions. "We don't have a problem. Other than you, that is. Why are you such a tyrant?"

"I'm not a tyrant," objected the president.

'You're not very good at this, are you?" said the lions. "We're the tyrants, so we say you're a tyrant."

"But everyone can see through your obvious lies," said the president.

"No, they can't, really," said the lions. "Not even your antelopes, and you'd think they would know better. They're ignorant, fearful, gullible, and delusional. Everything we could ask for in prey."

"The antelope majority and honorable lions will see right through you," declared the president.

"'Honorable lions?' Hee, hee, hee!" giggled the lions. "By the way, you can't prove you were born in Anteleopia. You aren't eligible to be president."

"Ridiculous!" snapped the president. "Of course, I was born in Anteleopia! Where do you get this drivel?"

"We just pull it out of our ass holes," said the lions. "And it works. Antelopes are really stupid. And in the meantime, we just keep on feeding."