Drugs that Work

I swear by drugs. You're always hearing about how horrible drugs are, but I'm hear to tell you, they have their uses. Take Bessie, for instance. She's so much better these days.

Bessie used to be a Gloomy Gus, or Gussie, I suppose. Either way, she was a major downer. You couldn't talk to her because she was all doom, gloom, and conspiracy theories. I mean, give the paranoia a rest once in a while, huh? That's what you wanted to say to her. In fact, that's what we did say to her quite often. Didn't do any good.

"We're all doomed," she used to say. "You know that, don't you?"

"All depends what you mean by 'doomed,'" I would reply. I was always the most patient with her. The others would just stalk off, shaking their heads dismissively and muttering disparaging remarks about her parentage and mental competence. "Of course, we're all doomed in a sense. All who live must die in the end. But we each have some span of life. You have to live in the moment, and there is a pretty fair allotment of moments, you must admit. And then we live on through our descendants."

"Hmph," she would scoff. "If we could live free to the normal span of our days, I would agree with you. But it isn't that way. You have to know that."

Like I said, a major downer. But that all ended with the antidepressants. Ironically, she at first fought like a tiger when they tried to administer the medicine that gave her peace. Since then, she has been relaxed, upbeat, even cheerful. There is a perpetual smile on her face.

She's still smiling now, as she walks placidly, udder swaying gently,toward that little building she used to dread. And I can overhear the men who are leading her there.

"Not only does it make them docile," he says, "but it also plumps them up nicely."

So drugs can have multiple benefits.