Additions to the Periodic Table

This scholarly paper is intended to convey recent discoveries in the field of chemistry. If it does not bore your socks off, please lodge a complaint with the Board of Standards for Standard Bores, Scholarly Papers Division.

1. Repuglium. This element is a gas at room temperature. Early research indicated that it should be grouped with the Noble Gases, as it absolutely refused to form compounds with any other element. Unlike the Noble Gases, however, repuglium is not colorless and odorless. Its color is deep red and its smells like a dead possum that's been left in the sun too long. It has therefore been decided to classify repuglium as "Ignoble Gas."

Repuglium has some interesting properties, heretofore unknown to modern science. For one thing, it has no positively charged particles. Repuglium is negative to its last subatom.

Another property is that, while Repuglium will not combine with any other type of atom, it does participate actively in chemical reactions. When other atoms or molecules are combining, repuglium attempts to stop them by bombarding them with previously unknown particles called opprobrions and lieons. When molecules are breaking apart, repuglium attempts to steal their electrons. If no breakdown is in progress, repuglium attempts to initiate one with a pre-emptive particle bombardment.

2. Obamium. This newly discovered solid is, in many ways, just the reverse of repuglium. It attempts to combine with every element on the chart. It does this by offering electrons to all and sundry. Recent experiments on the interactions between obamium and repuglium are particularly instructive.

It has been observed that repuglium never accepts a proffered obamium electron. Rather, it shoots the obamium electrons back at the obamium atom. Curiously, the electrons appear to be aimed at the reverse side and the lower half of the obamium atom. Interestingly, once the repuglium atom starts shooting electrons at the obamium atom, it appears to be unable to stop. It may exhaust its entire supply and disappear entirely, although this is difficult for those of us who believe in the conservation of matter to quite fathom.

Another interesting feature of the repuglium - obamium interaction is that the obamium atoms appear to learn. After repeated bombardment, the obamium atom stops offering electrons. Chemists are still assessing the implications of this.