The Extremes

There is broad agreement that something must be done. The disagreement begins only when we start talking about what. The DTs and the DOs seem to have different opinions on the matter. Oh. To the uninitiated, those are the Demon Torturers and the Damned Ones.

And here am I, smack dab in the middle of the controversy. It is my job to sound out the opinions of all parties in re the Hellish Torture System, elicit and evaluate solutions, and hammer out a compromise that is acceptable to all. If at all possible.

With this in mind, I interviewed samples of both the DOs and the DTs. The results were quite astounding. But see for yourself. Here's a representative interview ...

Me: Pardon me, sir.

DT (surlily): Yeah, what?

Me: If you could just stop flaying there for a minute ...

DT (defensively): I like flaying!

Me: Of course you do. But I would like to ask you a few questions about Hellish Torture Reform.

DT (slavering): What a pile of warm, semi-functioning intestines! We don't need no reform! We got the best Hellish Torture System in the universe!

Me: O-ka-a-y. So, do you think anything should be done about it?

DT: Sure! Expand it! Send me more DOs!

Me: What do you think is the biggest weakness of the HTS?

DT: Ain't got no weaknesses, Bubba! We-e-ell, maybe the wimps they keep sending me. This one ain't got no backbone a-tall!

DO (whimpering): Did when I got here.

DT (roaring): Shaddap!

Me: Could you hold off on the flaying for just a moment longer?

DT (growling): Don't wanna!

Me: But I need to interview your DO, as well.

DT (sullenly): Oh, all right.

Me: Are you in favor of Hellish Torture Reform?

DO (sotto voce): Yes, I am.

Me: And what kind of reform would you like to see?

DO: Stop ... torturing ... us!

DT (flaying knives at the ready): Oh, sure! Then we'd have a heaven takeover of hell!

DO (screaming): I'd settle for a couple of 10-minute breaks now and then!

Me: Ah, that would be the "Ten-Minute Break" Option!

DT (screeching): Ah, horse hooey! That's nothing but a stalking horse for a heaven takeover of hell!

Me: What strikes me here is that I am hearing support only for the extremes: either no change to the Hellish Torture System or no hellish torture at all! Where is the room for compromise? Why can't the parties find the moderate middle?

DO (sobbing): Do you know where you are?

Not to pick on AARP, but an editorial in the July-August 2009 AARP Bulletin moans that there is only support for "the extremes" of single-payer health insurance and the status quo. In what kind of political climate is single payer an "extreme?"