Brain Transplant

It is a little-known fact, but the body is run by a bunch of committees. This explains why it is so hard to get up in the morning, change directions when once underway, and, in extreme cases, walk ten paces without falling over.

Each organ is controlled by its own committee. Above the Organ Committees is the Bodily Control Coordinating Council, or BCCC. And at the apex of the structure is, of course, the Brain, although that is not always apparent.

But who, you might ask, is on the committees? The answer is this: the Bodily Humors. Classically, there are four Bodily Humors: Blood, Phlegm, Black Bile, and Yellow Bile. According to this theory of anatomy, the body's health is dependent on the proper balance of the four humors. For the purposes of this story, the four humors are just broad categories, each of which has so many individual representatives that it just isn't funny.

The Liver comes under the ministrations of the Committee on Liver Quality, also known as the COLQ. It happened, in one instance, that the COLQ was composed entirely of Black Bile types, with a particularly bilious chap as chair. This alone is a hint that something might have been a little out of balance, but Mr. Bilious had a special relationship with the Spiritous Liquors Council. In return for certain valuable considerations, such as future employment by the SLC, said SLC was granted permits to dump and unlimited volume of alcohol into the Liver. There is a school of thought that believes liquor to be damaging to a liver, but Mr. Bilious and his colleagues never went to that school. "Unproven theory" was the kindest thing Mr. Bilious had to say about alcohol-induced liver damage.

But the COLQ had its critics, particularly among the Bloods, who were more traditionally associated with livers. The most annoying of the critics was one Mr. Hemo, who was forever calling out the COLQ on its alcohol permitting practices.

"That is one fatty liver you've got going there," chided Mr. Hemo. "With definite hepatitis symptoms."

"Nonsense," said Mr. Bilious.

"You are aware that alcohol is extremely injurious to the liver?" persisted Mr. Hemo.

"Unproven theory," said Mr. Bilious.

"I have the studies right here," replied Mr. Hemo. "They're readily available, but I can show you, if you like."

"Phooey," said Mr. Bilious.

"There's plenty of research by scientific experts," said Mr. Hemo.

"I've heard about your so-called 'experts,'" scoffed Mr. Bilious.

"Serious inflammation," said Mr. Hemo, more than once. "Do you realize that you will go down with the Body, too?"

"Poppycock," sniffed Mr. Bilious.

"The SLC will not be able to save you," observed Mr. Hemo.

"Piddle," said Mr. Bilious.

Then something very unusual happened. It was the first successful brain transplant. The Body had a new Brain, and this Brain thought very differently from the previous Brain.

"My goodness!" said the new Brain. "The Liver is going to hell!"

And he appointed Mr. Hemo to the BCCC, above the COLQ. Mr. Hemo was now Mr. Bilious's boss.

"While he has a long history of hepatological activism, I hope Mr. Hemo recognizes that this position is too important to be used as a podium for hepatological activism. I urge Mr. Hemo to use sound science in his decisions," said Mr. Bilious. "And I'll tell him what that is."