At His Word  "Please have a seat, Mr. Ebola. This august body has convened to interview you for the position of Chief of the Immune System. For the record, I am Chairman SARS, and I will preside over the proceedings and ensure that no one drags any actual information out of you. The questioning will begin with Humorist Creutzfeldt-Jakob. Humorist?"
Confirmation Hearing   Chair:  Mr. Gonzales, you have stated that you know the difference between your obligations as Chief Counsel to the President and the obligations of an Attorney General.  Would you clarify your duties as Chief Counsel?
Crisis  "A Mr. Khan to see you, your Son of Heaven-ness."
A Deep Dig  The cell chirped. I sighed. It had to be Sue, calling me in to work on the weekend again.
Deeply Flawed  We had seats on the 50-yard line.
Developing Eden  God was so pleased with his new creation that he just had to show it to someone. Satan was only too happy to oblige.
Eagle Eggs, $1.00  I put on the brakes at 65 mph. What did that say? The sign was crudely made, but provocative: Eagle Eggs, $1.00. I postponed my plans and headed down the dirt road in the direction of the helpfully pointing arrow. I had to meet the person who scaled the dizzying heights to plunder eagle aeries. And then sold the eggs for a buck a piece.
Edible Island  It happened one time that a dog, a cat, a pig, and a goat were shipwrecked on a desert island. The animals were in danger of starving, and were much distressed about this until they discovered a remarkable fact: the island on which they were stranded was edible.
Evolutionary Dead Ends: The Arborial Beaver  The Beaver family was enjoying a restful evening at the lodge. Mom, Dad, Binkie, and Pookie were watching "Bucktooth Survivor" on Beavervision, when Binkie brought up the E-word.
Fire That Guy!  Dear Mr. Snerd,
I demand that you fire that so-called ventriloquist of yours, that Edgar Bergen! All right-thinking Americans are sick and tired of his shenanigans and sneaky dealings. His sense of humor is bad enough, but this latest scandal is the absolute last straw.
Frogs  Once upon a time, a frog civilization grew up in a large pot of water.  As luck would have it, a human being discovered this bonanza and discreetly moved it over a handy flame ...
The Genie Jar   It wasn't every day that the good people of Biggle's Bottom got company. It was even rarer that the company sported star-spangled, flowing robes, wild, white hair, mad, glowing eyes, and ... an odd-looking something-or-other that was covered with a cloth. Rarer still that the company should walk directly to the mayor's house. Well, not so much walk as stagger. And collapse on the front steps.
The Giants Meet the Mole People  Once, there were giants in the land. They lived large. Everything they did was big. They worked big. They played big. They ate big. They drank big. They loved big. And, above all, they thought big. They had big ideas. They loved big ideas, ideas like Freedom, Democracy, and the Common Good.
Great Automobile Mechanic   "Hi!  I'm Jack!  I'm a great automobile mechanic!"
    My friend Polly introduced me to Jack the Great Automobile Mechanic.  She and all her friends swore by his wizardry.
The Great Wheel of Health Insurance  I dedicate this humble offering to the memory of the late, revered savant, Lobsang Chipotle, who explained to me the eternal cycle of Samsura.  May he be blessed with eternal enlightenment.  But I am getting a little ahead of my story.  It begins with my 14th layoff and 27th rejection for health insurance...
An Historic Erection  I woke up on the operating table.  There was a massive gash down my abdomen, and surgically masked figures were poking about in my innards.
Home, Safe Home  Mr. Fidget: Hello? SecureIt Home Safety Systems? We're having a slight problem with the home security system you installed last Tuesday.
A Horse's Tale  It was a peculiar case from the start. The call had originated from the old Halatasi farm, which was unlikely enough, but the 911 dispatcher was unable to provide any detail, saying only that the caller's voice was muffled and incoherent, and yet managed to sound indignant all the same. It made Officer Blivitt nervous, and he unsnapped his top holster snap as he approached the house.
How It Works  "Hey, Bink! Did you hear that the Beta Mound is dead?"
Imagine...  I didn't ask them to take me to their leader, but they did. I guess they didn't get much interplanetary traffic.
Intelligent Aim  "We want this irrational, unproven exercise stopped, and we want it stopped now!"
The Intentions of the Founding Fathers  The Founding Fathers are meeting in Philadelphia ...
Jefferson:  James, I have a bone to pick with you.  I think we all do, in fact.
Junkyard Dogs  Junk was the lifeblood of Junkville.  The citizens of Junkville produced junk.  They bought it, they sold it, they exchanged it.  They used it as currency.  When neighbor met neighbor, they would exchange the following cheerful greeting:  "Hey, let's talk trash!"
Liberty Roulette  It was a lovely spring afternoon, and the park was overflowing with picnickers, each ladling potato salad into his mouth with one hand and pointing a gun at his head with the other.  The click-click of the tripping hammers seemed to keep time with the chirp-chirp of the birds.  Occasionally, there was a discordant "boom," but it did nothing to disturb the tranquil festivity of the day.
Little Shop of Whores  (Available on request.  I took this down because it's on the crude side.)
The Mad Dog Catcher  In the old days, wild dogs roamed freely over the land. They trampled crops, devoured livestock, attacked anyone who ventured outside, and even broke into houses to terrorize the inhabitants. Clearly, something had to be done. And it was.
The Magnificent Golden Stag No one knows exactly when the Magnificent Golden Stag first appeared in our kingdom, but everyone knows that he has always been a bright beacon to us, a bringer of hope, peace, and prosperity. When the people were parched and perishing from the Great Drought, the appearance of the Magnificent Golden Stag signaled the onset of rain. When the country was wracked by seemingly interminable war, a sighting of the Magnificent Golden Stag was followed by an armistice and a long period of peace. There is no need for me to detail all the wondrous and magical benefits this beloved beast has brought to us.
Memories of the Golden Age  He is knone as the Evil One, the Adversary, the Deceiver.  And sometimes, oddly, as the Simpleton.  His real name, hoever, has been taboo for so long that it has been svalloed in the mists of time.
The Miers Nomination: A Translation for the Politically Hearing-Impaired 
George W. Bush: Harriet Miers is an outstanding Nominee for the United States Supreme Court.
Translation: She will vote to overturn Roe v Wade.
NEMS to the Rescue  I was surprised at the massive and rapid response. There were EMS guys everywhere. Two of them had me down on the floor and immobilized faster than a rodeo cowboy can truss up a pig. And the thing was, it wasn't even a bad paper cut.
No More Nukes!  Good evening.  As the Chair of No More Nukes!, it is my signal honor to present to you our plan for eliminating nuclear power and its attendant expenses, inefficiencies, and dangers from our lives.
No Receipt  When Joe deposited his check at the bank, he was in for a surprise.
Nothing in the Cookie Jar  Mom always let the kids help bake the cookies. That way, everyone earned their cookies, and everyone had a stake in the cookie supply. Everyone had a job: gathering ingredients, mixing, rolling, cutting, baking, and so forth.
Old News  Special to the Daily Dishrag - The Daily Dishrag obtained this exclusive interview with Iranian spokesperson Ali Ali Aksinfri. The subject is White House criticism of the recent Iranian elections.
The Only Thing  The Lions and the Bears played touch football after school almost every day. Sometimes the Bears won, and sometimes the Lions won. And it was lots of fun. Until the Big Kids showed up.
Operation CATNIP  General Jehosaphat Whisker Puss peered over the privacy fence. The enemy was sprawled out on its back, napping heedlessly in the afternoon sun. But this was no time for careless confidence!
The Park of the Ark  It came to pass that the myriad animal species were in danger of being hunted to extinction. And the people were alarmed. And it happened that one kind soul proposed a revolutionary solution.
Professor Peabody's Magic Elixir  Thank heavens for Professor Peabody. Without him, there's no telling what trouble I'd be in.
Revised Rules  "Ah, ha!  Caughtcha!  I go up the mountain for a lousy 40 days, and what do you do?  Run off and make false gods, that's what!  I can't leave you alone for two minutes, can I?"
The Rules  It wasn't at the expected location, and we were starting to get desperate.
Save the Goats  The farm animals were having a meeting to discuss the goat tethering problem.  Baaarbara the sheep was presiding.
A Simple Up or Down Vote  The lone man rose and bowed stiffly to the presiding official.
Smoking Gun  "Sheriff, I demand to know why you haven't arrested Black Bart for murdering my husband!"
Tick Nation  "Mom! Mom! There's a big, fat tick on TV!"
The Time Has Come  "You know," mused the Walrus, "there are a few things I've been wondering about. That is, ever since you ... became President of the United States of Through the Looking Glass."
Too Expensive  I was just settling in to a nice swamp bath and placidly nibbling leaves from the top of a handy tree, when Terry wheeled overhead and let out a screech.
Toward More Stately Palaces  Once upon a time (it must have been very long ago), in a rather unextraordinary little country (it must have been very far away), there lived a peaceful and industrious, yet discontented, people. The people were discontented because they were rootless and unfocused. Fortunately, there were among them some wise Architects, and the Architects had an idea. 
Wake-Up Call  "Do you have any idea what time it is?"
Water Conservation  "Thank you for seeing me, Mr. President. It is urgent that I speak to you on the matter of water conservation."
Waterloo  "Say, Nigel, do you remember the Battle of Waterloo?"
Waterwhat?  February 1, 1973 - Activist Judge John Sirica lynched by rampaging mob of patriots chanting "Support the President! Support the President."
When the Lion Was a Vegetarian  Once upon a time, in the great Long Ago, the Lion was not the fierce and savage beast we know today.  Oh, he had the massive muscles, the deafening roar, the razor claws, and the terrible teeth.  But, due to his placid personality and mild manner, none of the other animals feared him.  And oh, yes.  He was a vegetarian.
Your Fault!  A merchant came to market to sell his wares. He carried all the materials needed to set up his stall, and he led a large bull.