Big Bang  It was going to be a database load. Can I say that? No, no, no, no, no. Not a database load at all! Sorry sorry sorry. I have absolutely no opinion about the matter at all. Did I say 'matter?' I meant subject. Or rather, something else entirely.
Bishop Hatto Appears Before the Supreme Court  "So, your last involvement with the judicial system was that ... bit of unpleasantness, some 50 years ago. Is that right, Bishop?"
The Crazy Lady Who Lived Under the Bridge  Just exactly what I needed. Everything going to hell at work, car broken down in the middle of the night -- in the worst part of town, yet. And here she came. Barefoot in the middle of all the urban mess. I needed a mechanic, not a nutcase. And the smell ...
Dead Dog  "I hear you're having that sheep dog put to sleep."
Defending the Three Rights  Countrymen. Ladies and Gentlemen. Brethren and Sistren. I am here to speak to you about an important matter. Elections are a mere year away, and it is imperative that we approach them with the utmost seriousness.
Dragon and Scorpion  Once upon a time, in an alternate universe, there lived a mighty dragon. This dragon had in common with other mighty dragons the usual draconian traits: fiery breath, razor-sharp claws, terrible teeth, insatiable greed, and a massive treasure. Now, when I say "terrible teeth," I'm referring to their awesome biting and tearing power, not the dragon's oral hygiene. Although there were rumors about that. In any case, I mention all these attributes merely to demonstrate that what we have here is a bona fide dragon, not because they have any relevance to the story. Because they don't. Not a jot.
Evolution: It's Nothing to Be Proud of  So, the Creator called a meeting with the Life Force.
Excremental Opportunities  The sleepy, but respectable, community of Miller's Grove was roused one morning by the arrival of a most curious personage. The personage in question had a thin, black moustache with corners that curled up at the end and eyes with pupils that seemed to be slit the wrong way. And he was dragging a large, odoriferous sack.
Facts and Circumstances  "So, will you enforce this provision or not? It's really a very simple question."
Firemites  Good-bye danger, hello safety! Effective immediately, all new homes will be equipped with firemites. The firemite is a revolutionary new safety feature developed by modern research. It eliminates the need for expensive, inconvenient, and hard-to-use equipment, such as fire extinguishers and smoke alarms. Not to mention fire insurance!
The Fisher King's Dilemma  "Anything wrong?" asked the Fool.
Forest and Trees  The forest creatures fled before the rolling conflagration, uncertain which way to turn. They were very upset with President Weasel because, after all, he was the one who had started the fire.
Good Idea  Who knew he was going to screw it up so badly? It was really a very simple project, a hell of an idea, in fact. It should have been a slam-dunk. With competent leadership, that is.
Hog in the Living Room  The plumbing was failing. The aluminum siding was falling off. The back porch was about to collapse. And the roof was a little iffy. But the big problem was the gigantic hog sitting smack dab in the middle of the living room.
How the Barbarians Destroyed Rome  Well, there I was wandering around among these seven hills and coming up with nothing, and I can tell you, I was ravenous. The city was a huge disappointment. It looked so promising from a distance, but it turned out to be nothing but a rotting ruin. So I was fortunate to run into the old man.
How the Polar Bears Survived  Once upon a time, in the great long ago, polar bears were on the brink of extinction. This is hard to believe nowadays, when even the marginally competent polar bear is fairly up to her ears in seals. But long ago, there was something called 'Global Warming,' which had caused the ice floes in the great North Sea to melt away, and threatened the polar bear with starvation.
In a Handbasket  It came to pass that all of humanity were traveling together in a single conveyance, and they conversed among themselves, speaking of their destination and the vehicle that was to carry them there.
IPEP  In a scorching policy speech, President George W. Bush today excoriated critics of his nuclear power policies and insisted that his country desired only peaceful uses of nuclear energy. He further declared that he would not be cowed, and would not tolerate, any outside intervention in such peaceful pursuits.
Jonah Does Nineveh  Jonah was tearing the wings off flies when he got the call.
Leonine Democracy  It is a little-known fact that the pride, the political and social unit of lion society, was not always the autocratic structure we know today. Long ago, the pride was democratic, with a term-limited elective president and a Council of Lionesses. That began to change with the ascension to power of Leo IX ...
A Leopard and His Spots  The meeting of the Council of Antelopes was duly called to order. The main order of business was how to stop the depredations of ravenous leopards.
Lies, Damn Lies, and Patriotism  What's in a lie? Are all lies created equal? According to the New Testament, Judas betrayed Jesus for 30 shekels. What if Judas had said, "Nope. I never done that. No way.Uh-uh." We would have called that a lie. But suppose, instead, he had said, "Well, of course, I turned him over to the authorities. It was my patriotic duty. The guy was a threat to our religion and our way of life." We would call that patriotic.
The Liver Eaters  They were spread-eagled on rocks for as far as the eye could see, an unbroken line of chained figures. The nearest looked up with interest at the new arrival.
The Mary Sunshine Gene  Depression is a sane person's reaction to reality.
Randomly slaughtering 32 people and committing suicide is an insane person's reaction to reality.
Sending someone else to randomly slaughter 32 people and commit suicide is Presidential.
Mine Enemy  Harriet died due to natural causes. That's what the autopsy said, anyway, and that's a huge consolation to those of us who have to retrace her steps every day. Alcoholic berries, it was. Accompanied by a drop in temperature.
Miss America is a Pig  Priscilla was the first contestant ever to win the Travis County County Fair Hog Competition and the Miss Texas Beauty Pageant in the same year. Then she topped it off with her stunning victory at the Miss America Pageant. Some people wonder how a pig could be Miss America. Though not very many, by the look of it.
Moderation and Good Sense  As you know, the scientific debates on this issue are many and complex. Even though it is uncertain and unresolved, I support voluntary reductions. This shows what a fair, moderate - even progressive - guy I am. Because, you know, it would be very reasonable for me to say that you liberals are just plain full of shit. But I don't! (In so many words.)
Mother's Day  The fog was lifting slowly and, as it seemed, from a great distance away. The bed was soft, the lighting subdued, the room tastefully furnished and reassuringly normal. Everything was wrong.
No Health Hazard  The dawn exploded with clamor. The Mayor twitched his long, fluffy tail and ambled to the entrance to greet his raucous constituents.
Not an Option  Long ago and far away, there was a goose that laid fabulous, 24-karat golden eggs. Hearing of this, the king in the kingdom next door realized that it was his duty to liberate that poor, oppressed goose from its evil, goose-hating overlords.
Objectivity  Mr. Witness just happened to be passing by when Mr. Mugger mugged Mr. Victim. Mr. Witness witnessed the whole thing. Fortunately, Officer Copper appeared on the scene almost immediately.
Oh, To Be a Bonobo!  "So, what's this big, hush-hush project you've been working on? When can you tell me about it? Huh? Huh?"
Old Patriot Coffee  The Old Patriot Coffee House was right on the way to work. I suppose that's why I took to stopping there mornings. It was convenient and homey, and the coffee -- Old Patriot Coffee, they called it -- was always steaming hot, plentiful, and delicious. And it gave me diarrhea.
Operation Attack Terror Seriously  While our righteous actions in Iraq and Iran (whenever that begins) must proceed unabated, it is my duty to point out a hotbed of terrorism that needs to be addressed most urgently. It is imperative that we invade Canada immediately.
The People's Bridge  A vicious troll lived under a bridge which, in classic troll fashion, it guarded with enthusiastic cruelty. Whenever a person ventured onto the bridge, the troll would sally forth, roar loudly, and devour the unfortunate bridge crosser with speed, vigor, and sometimes, just a sprinkle of pepper. People soon got tired of this.
The Pockberry Question  It was the faftists that vexed the question, you know. Until they came, the citizens of Pooba were a sober, industrious, happy, and obedient lot.
Quantum Development  "Applications are composed of packets of chaos, known as 'quanta.' A quantum of chaos is the smallest unit into which an application can be divided." - Name of author withheld, due to health concerns.
Rare Blood Disorder  "What you've got to understand is that we deal with hardened miscreants on a daily basis. We have to be ... firm ... you see. We have established procedures for dealing with this sort of thing."
Reds and Blues  I arrived just in time for elections. Or so, at least, it appeared, given the ardent competition for my favor. I know it couldn't have been my stunning good looks or sparkling conversation.
Sacred Cow   "I forgive our brethren in the Loyal Opposition, of course. They are secular humanists and don't understand the deep reverence we Indians hold for cows. Religious Indians like me, that is."
The Second American Revolution  My fellow Americans, it is with deep humility that I accept from you this signal honor, the Interim Presidency of the United States of America. We have traveled a long and tortuous road to reach this historic moment, and I want to thank each and every one of you for saving our Democracy from the jaws of Tyranny. Our heroic struggle has provided us with few opportunities for reflection, but I believe that now is such a time.
Second Constitution  It now turns out that Asimov was not the first to have such an idea. He was preceded by the American Founding Fathers, who wrote not one, but two Constitutions.
Supporting Our Tools  We, the people of Konstruxia, are an industrious, sober, and, above all, productive lot. We are masters of every trade. We are plumbers, carpenters, electricians, printers, tanners, bricklayers, weavers, glassblowers, shoemakers, coopers, and blacksmiths. You name a trade, we've mastered it. And there is nothing we love so much as our tools.
Too Time-Consuming  "I want that report changed," he said, "and I want it changed now!"
Total Integrated Redesign Digestive System  "Where's Dr. Bunyan?" I asked. "I thought he was going to see me."