Big Bang

It was going to be a database load. Can I say that? No, no, no, no, no. Not a database load at all! Sorry sorry sorry. I have absolutely no opinion about the matter at all. Did I say 'matter?' I meant subject. Or rather, something else entirely.

Am I gibbering? Sorry. Sorry sorry sorry. The beginning? Yes, let me start at the beginning. Although it may not be. I will start ... at the first thing I can remember ... about this subject.

My boss called me in for a conference. I didn't know who he was. That's because ...

"I'm Mr. Pfister, your new boss,," said Mr. Pfister, my new boss.

"Wh-what happened to the old boss?" I asked in confusion.

"She has undergone apology therapy and has been sent to a very nice home," smiled Mr. Pfister. "But I want to talk to you about your role in this ... project thingie you have going on here."

"Um, which project thingie?" I asked. "There are so many."

"You are the project manager of this one," said Mr. Pfister patiently. "It has the word 'big' in it. According to some."

"Oh! You mean the Big Bang ..." I started brightly, but fizzled at the end. There was something ... foreboding in his expression. "Um, right?" I finished lamely.

"Yes, that would be the one," said Mr. Pfister. "You should be aware that that ... name implies endorsement by this agency of one side of a controversial matter on which we must maintain strict neutrality!"

"Um, it's just a database load, sir," I objected. This was before I got religion, of course. "Someone just thought it was a clever name. Because we're going to load a large number of records all at once. That's all. It isn't political at all."

"This agency must not take sides on controversial issues," continued Mr. Pfister, as if he hadn't heard me, which he probably hadn't. "As I explained in no uncertain terms to your late supervisor."

"Late supervisor?" I squeaked.

"I mean, of course, former supervisor. Ha, ha," laughed Mr. Pfister mirthlessly.

"But ... but ... she didn't make up the name!" I objected.

"Really?" said Mr. Pfister, perking up and picking up a pen. "Can you tell me who did make it up? Name, tap line, and so forth?"

"Uh, tap line?" I asked cluelessly. "What's that?"

"Oh, excuse me. Ha, ha," laughed Mr. Pfister once more. "You are familiar with the old term, telephone number. But you'll soon get used to the modern terminology."

"Er, I can't remember who first used the term 'Big Bang,'" I said honestly. "It's one of those things that just sort of ... pops up, and before you know it, everyone is saying it."

"Hmm, yes," mused Mr. Pfister. "Satan does work that way ... Never mind. The important thing right now is to change the name to something suitably neutral. We are technical people, after all. Everyone else takes their cue from us."

"I guess you are technically a person," I admitted. "Well, this shouldn't be too hard. It's just a database load. We can just call it 'the Initial Load.'"

There was a pregnant pause. "Not neutral enough," said Mr. Pfister severely.

"I'm sorry," I stammered. "I don't understand. I can't think of anything more neutral than that."

"Think a little harder," urged Mr. Pfister. "We're creating something new. Don't you think the name should reflect that? Neutrally, of course. But I do like your readiness to apologize. You're going to be needing a lot more of that."

"Um, 'Initial Creation?'" I suggested.

"A little more neutral than that," he prompted.

"'Initial Build?'"

"The other way," said my boss.

I had an inspiration. "'Inspired Creation?'"

"Better," he said. "Much better."

I was not looking forward to selling 'Inspired Creation' to a bunch of techies. The task turned out to be easier than anticipated, however.

The first reaction to 'my' suggested name change was exactly what I had expected. Snorts. Sneers. Rolled eyes.

"What a load of pigeon droppings! I like 'Big Bang,' and I'm not going to call it ... whatever silly thing it was you just said."

That was the first verbal response. Oddly enough, neither I nor anyone else can seem to remember the name of the guy who said it. Probably because of the two nice men in sunglasses who emerged from ... I'm not sure where and escorted the miscreant away. After that, we all took 'Inspired Creation' into our bosoms and called the project nothing else.

Until the next Neutrality Review, when Mr. Pfister informed us that the name was not neutral enough. The project is now to be called 'the Divine Creation.' In fact, I'm sure I never called it anything else, especially not any ... b-word thing. That would be more than a fella's job is worth.