Operation Attack Terror Seriously

Dear Mr. President:

While our righteous actions in Iraq and Iran (whenever that begins) must proceed unabated, it is my duty to point out a hotbed of terrorism that needs to be addressed most urgently. It is imperative that we invade Canada immediately.

I apologize if my manner of expression isn't up to its usual standard, but I am a bit off my feed, as they say, since the great oatmeal shortage began. I have not been able to find bulk oatmeal at the grocery store for weeks, and now the packaged Quaker Oats have disappeared from the shelves. All that is left is a few cartons of the 'natural' and 'healthy' off-brands. Soon, they will be gone, too.

But I digress. Canada's status as the world's third leading oat producer has nothing to do with our need to squash them like a bug. It's all those terrorists they're breeding. No, wait. It's their health care system. It's socialist and makes us look bad. And they have funny accents. Well, kind of funny accents. Some of them.

To tell the truth, I considered recommending an invasion of Russia, which along with the European Union, is Canada's fellow member of the Axis of Oats. I mean, Evil. The New Axis of Evil. Russia would be good in a sort of 'easy-to-hate' kind of way. Putin, the absolutist, Saddamist, nasty guy. Pretty good, huh? But from a 'likely-to-get-our-butts-nukularly-fried' perspective ... maybe not so good. And the European Union is kind of hard to sell, even though they are the leading producers of oats. I mean exporters of terrorism. I say hard to sell because of England. Now, France and Germany, we could sell. But never mind. In the 'cakewalk' way, Canada shines forth. So Canada it is. I suggest we call the invasion 'Operation Attack Terror Seriously.' What do you think? Catchy, huh?

Look, I'm investing in alternative breakfasts, like eggs ... bacon ... fruit loops ... But it's not the same!

Aw, come on! It's not as though we didn't have any precedents!

Sincerely yours,

etc., etc.