Oh, To Be a Bonobo!

"So, what's this big, hush-hush project you've been working on? When can you tell me about it? Huh? Huh?"

"Well, it's almost finished, and I've really been dying to tell someone, so why not you, and why not now? It's a planet! And it's all full of life! I've created all sorts of life forms: trees and flowers and grasses and slime molds and fish and bacteria and birds and ... and ... just everything! Take a look!"

"Very impressive, Big G. How does it all work?"

"Well, on my word, basically."

"Goes without saying, but how about a little more detail?"

"There will be realms of earth, air, and water," said God enthusiastically. "There will be predators and prey. Every creature will have some talent or power to take care of itself: strength, speed, ability to fly, intelligence. Or sharp teeth. And I've come up with a great innovation for perpetuating the various species. It's called 'sex.' And I'm going to make it a lot of fun so that all my creatures will be joyful. And, frankly, so that they will do it. Otherwise, I'll be up at 4 a.m. every day making replacement creatures. And there will be thousands and thousands of fascinating creatures: dolphins and eagles and giraffes and platypuses. But my very favorites, my crowning achievement will be the bonobos."

"The what?"

"The bonobos," repeated God. "They are totally going to understand sex, and they are going to be the happiest and most carefree of my creatures."

"Hmph. Maybe. So, what are those fat, sluggish things down there?"

"Where, Lucifer? Oh, those! Those are what I call 'humans.'"

"What are they for?" asked Lucifer.

"They're the auxiliary food supply," replied God. "They're slow, weak, and stupid. If a predator is old or sick or just not very good at predating, ... it can always catch itself a human."

"Hey, Big G! No defense mechanisms? That doesn't sound like you. You've got to give them something, don't you?"

"Don't feel sorry for them, Lucifer. They're mean, vicious, petty, greedy, judgmental, and selfish. Where my bonobos believe their purpose in life is to find joy everywhere, these creatures believe their purpose in life is to suck the joy out of it for everyone else. They have no redeeming characteristics at all, believe me."

"Hmm," mused Lucifer. "Sounds like something I could work with. Come on, you've got to give them a break. How about opposable thumbs?"

"Oh, ... ok. They can have opposable thumbs."

"And intelligence! Ok?"

"No, 'fraid not," said God. "I have to draw the line at that. Intelligence would make them too dangerous."

"Fair enough, fair enough. So ... how about this: an infinite capacity for self-delusion? Whattaya think?"

God scratched his head for a moment. "We-e-elll, ... all right. Done. Opposable thumbs and an infinite capacity for self-delusion. How harmful can that be?"