Bishop Hatto

Bishop Hatto Appears Before the Supreme Court

"So, your last involvement with the judicial system was that ... bit of unpleasantness, some 50 years ago. Is that right, Bishop?"

"Right as rain, your honor."

"And at that time, you incinerated a barn full of peasants who had appealed to you for food during a famine."

"'Rats that only consume the corn,'* your honor. As I said at the time."

"You were sentenced 'To be gnawed by rats until meatless,' it says here. Uh, how did you get out of that one?"

"Thrown out on appeal, your honor. I find it pays to keep a few judges on the payroll. A couple of you guys look familiar, by the way."

"Let's stick to the subject at hand," said the Chief Justice severely. "You haven't been burning any barnfuls of peasants lately, have you? Some previous courts were okay with that, but we consider it very wrong, these days."

"Um, no, your honor. I don't do that anymore. It was my own barn, by the way. That runs into money, after a while. But I accept the judgment of history on peasant-burning. My bad. I promise not to do it again. In the current political climate."

"Very square of you, Bishop," said the Chief Justice. "So, let's get to what brings you before this august body today."

"It's only June, your honor."

"Thanks, Bishop. We'll remember that."

"Ok, so here it is," continued the Bishop. "It seems that, in spite of my best efforts, my see is still infested with starving peasants. The elders in my village want me to feed that lot! Because they work my fields, I suppose. I don't even feed my wealthy, ovcr-fed patrician buddies!"

"So, let's get this straight," intoned the Chief Justice. "Fifty-some years ago, you slaughtered a bunch of peasants because they were starving and whiny. Did you have fat patrician buddies that you didn't feed then?"

"That's 'wealthy, over-fed patrician buddies.' But yes, your honor, I did."

"And now, those village elders want you to feed a bunch of peasants because they're starving and whiny. And you still have fat, wealthy patrician buddies whom you don't feed?"

"Correct again, your honor."

"Why, that's an outrage! Fifty years ago, it was discrimination against starving, whiny peasants. What the village elders propose now is discrimination against your fat patrician buddies. It's exactly as bad as burning down that barn full of peasants! What was wrong then can't be right now! Go forth and tell those whiny peasants to go screw themselves. Better yet, let us do it for you!"

"Thank you, your honor," said the Bishop humbly. "I think you just have."

*Based, of course, on the wonderful poem The Legend of Bishop Hatto, by Robert Southey. Bishop Hatto apparently was a historical figure, and quite possibly as big a jerk as the poem paints him, but any resemblance between the poem and historical fact is fanciful.

This bit is an obvious metaphor for the recent Supreme Court decision that race may not be used as a factor in promoting racial diversity in schools. Um, yes. Here's another: There is a lifeguard who dutifully rescues swimmers who are in trouble. When he spots a nonswimmer in the water, however, he leaps in and holds the nonswimmer under water until the unfortunate person drowns. Everyone scolds him for this behavior, so he stops drowning nonswimmers. However, if he sees a nonswimmer in trouble, he does not intervene, but allows that person to drown. The bathers again scold him, saying that he must help anyone having trouble in the water. Along comes the 'Beach Patrol,' however, and rules that the lifeguard is firmly within his rights. Not only that, but intervention to save a drowning nonswimmer is every bit as reprehensible as deliberately drowning one.

Hooray for the Supreme Court.