Leonine Democracy

It is a little-known fact that the pride, the political and social unit of lion society, was not always the autocratic structure we know today. Long ago, the pride was democratic, with a term-limited elective president and a Council of Lionesses. That began to change with the ascension to power of Leo IX ...

"Just who is this guy, and how did he get to be President?" growled Lula. "I thought old Herman was winning."

"Well, that is a bit peculiar, isn't it?" mused Gertrude. "Something about his guys seizing the ballot boxes and declaring victory. Didn't we run his dad off a few years ago? Pretentious poop with monarchical tendencies?"

"Believe so," replied Lula. "Leo VIII, wasn't it? The Roman numerals are a bit of a give-away, don't you think?"

"Ladies! Ladies!" The President was addressing the Council of Lionesses. "Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to kill all your cubs, screw you royally, and distribute all the game among my cubs, who also get major tax cuts and no-bid contracts to plunder the Serengeti. Ok? Thanks."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" interrupted Gertrude. "That's not how we do things around here. This is a democracy. I thought you knew that."

"Well, of course, I know that," sniffed Leo IX regally. "I'm the biggest supporter of democracy that democracy ever had. In fact, I'm going to cram it down the throat of every species on earth. And in order to do that, I need absolute power. Thanks. We'll talk again some other time."

"Hold yer horses!" called Gertrude. "Or your antelopes, or whatever! We make the laws around here. You carry them out."

"Yeah, yeah," said Leo IX. "For now. Anyway, I can veto bad laws. I'm the King, you know. I mean, the President, of course."

"Now hear this," continued Gertrude. "You are not killing our cubs, screwing us royally, or any of that other stuff."

"Ok, I'll screw you all presidentially," conceded Leo IX. "Is that better?"

"You're not getting this," said Gertrude. "Now, we are going to pass a fair bill that takes care of everybody's cubs equally. That should suit you, too."

"Hey!" growled Lula. "How did you get to be President, anyway? I hear your henchman seized the ballot boxes."

"Well, of course, they seized the ballot boxes," explained Leo IX patiently. "I had to protect you from voter fraud."

"Why would you suspect voter fraud?" asked Lula.

"I know that I cheat all the time," said Leo IX, "so it stands to reason that everyone else cheats, too. It behooves me to cheat better."

So the Council of Lionesses passed a bill providing fairly for everyone's cubs. Leo IX promptly vetoed it. The entire pride was angry.

"But it's not my fault," protested Leo IX. "The lionesses were the ones who refused to compromise."

"And just what do you mean by 'compromise?'" asked Gertrude.

"I tell you what to do, and you do it," replied Leo IX. "Everyone knows that. And I'm the President, which is just what you call the King in a democracy. Whatcha gonna do about it?"

So the Council of Lionesses conferred and debated and formed committees and even made a couple of rousing speeches. But Leo IX was the President, after all, and one had to treat the President with respect and deference. And that is how the modern pride came to be. The alpha male comes to power by force, kills all the cubs, and royally screws all the lionesses. It gives one pride in one's country.