Jonah Does Nineveh

Jonah was tearing the wings off flies when he got the call.

"Uh, who did you say you were? I'm kind of busy here."

"This is the Lord your God," said God. "You don't have anything more important than talking to me."

"God, eh?" replied Jonah. "Yeah, I talk to you all the time."

"No, this is actually the first time," sighed God. "Those voices in your head are not me."

"Oh, no? Well, whaddaya know?" And Jonah went back to his flies.

"Jonah," God continued patiently, "I have an important job for you to do."

"Isn't that the guy who lost all his wealth and family and got all mad at you?"

"No, that was Job. Rhymes with 'lobe.' This is 'job.' Meaning 'work.'"

"Hmm. I don't much like that," said Jonah. "Never had much success at working."

"Well, now is the time to start," said God firmly. "The people of Nineveh are really pissing me off. I want you to go and tell them to repent or face my wrath. Got it?"

"Wow! This is really a serious matter," quipped Jonah. "Get it? Assyrious?"

"Yeah, yeah, very droll," snapped God impatiently. "So, are you with me or not?"

"Yeah, sure. I'm on it."

So Jonah raised a large army and sent it to invade Nineveh. Bloodshed, mayhem, and catastrophe ensued, but no measurable repentance. God sent a Large Marine Creature to swallow Jonah.

"Now, look," burped the Large Marine Creature. "This wasn't my idea. Left to my own devices, I prefer fish and plankton. But this was a commission from God, so I had to do it, see? And speaking of commissions from God, that's how you got into this in the first place. Or how you got into me. So, why didn't you do what the Big G said, huh?"

"I did," protested Jonah from the belly of the Large Marine Creature. "He wanted some Assyrian ass kicked, and I did it. What's wrong with that?"

"Well, ... that isn't quite what he asked you to, was it? I believe it was more like you going and talking, not a heavily armed contingent going and opening fire, eh?"

"What are you, Canadian?" griped Jonah. "I didn't think he seriously wanted me to go alone. Or in person, even. That could be dangerous."

"What? More dangerous than a full-scale war?" asked the Large Marine Creature.

"Yes!" retorted Jonah. "For me!"

"Well," replied the Large Marine Creature, "he did want you to go alone and in person. And persuade, not annihilate!"

"Annihilation is a great persuader," argued Jonah.

"Look, that is not what God required of you," scolded the Large Marine Creature. "This is the message God gave me to give to you: 'Get your damn' troops out of Nineveh this instant!' You have to promise to make things right before I let you go, ok? And please do, because this is giving me serious indigestion."

"I recognize the need for a new direction in Nineveh," Jonah intoned.

"Excellent!" rejoiced the Large Marine Creature. "You're free to go!"

And go, Jonah did. He returned home, where he was greeted by his long-time friends, Ham and Jimmy.

"Hey, Jonah!" called Jimmy. "We have ... something for you. A, um, report."

"On the Nineveh War," added Ham.

Jonah eyed his old mates with hostility. "What kind of report?" he snarled.

"Now, we've been running buddies for years," said Jimmy reassuringly. "You know we're just as mean and nasty as you are."

"Just not as stupid!" chimed Ham.

"And we think war is just swell," continued Jimmy. "Um, usually."

"What do you mean?" growled Jonah.

"What we're trying to say," said Jimmy, "as delicately and diplomatically as possible, is that this Nineveh thing is the BIGGEST FUCK-UP IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!"

"Not that the history of the world is that long, mind you," said Ham. "But this simply blows the apple-eating incident in Eden right out of the water."

"So, we have some nice, face-saving, ineffective suggestions for, you know, maybe escaping without looking like a complete nincompoop," Jimmy concluded.

"I'll take it under advisement," said Jonah icily.

"Meaning ... bugger off," Jimmy translated. "Right, right. We'll just be off, then."

Some week later, Jonah was again chatting with the Large Marine Creature.

"So, your New Way Forward in Nineveh," said the Large Marine Creature, "on a scale of 1 to 10 ... about a negative 10,000, would you say?"

"Hmph," muttered Jonah.

"And your way of correcting your disastrous mistakes was to repeat them, except five times as much? Just jump in and explain any time," urged the Large Marine Creature, "because I'm keen to understand."

"Hmph," mumbled Jonah.

"Exactly what part of 'Get your damn' troops out of Nineveh this instant!' was unclear?" probed the Large Marine Creature.

"You could ease up on the sarcasm," Jonah grumbled.

"Easy for you to say," growled the Large Marine Creature. "You aren't the one who has to metabolize your sorry ass."