How the Polar Bears Survived

Once upon a time, in the great long ago, polar bears were on the brink of extinction. This is hard to believe nowadays, when even the marginally competent polar bear is fairly up to her ears in seals. But long ago, there was something called 'Global Warming,' which had caused the ice floes in the great North Sea to melt away, and threatened the polar bear with starvation.

"How could this have happened?" you may ask. It was because of human activity. The humans of the time used to suck a liquid called "oil" out of the ground and burn it, making the atmosphere warm and the ice melt. Why did they do this? I'm not sure. I think it had something to do with going from Point A to Point B, and then back to Point A. Seems pointless. I know this is hard to imagine, because we have nothing like that now, but believe me when I tell you that it was so.

Now, the polar bears depended on free-floating ice floes to hunt seals, walrus, and other marine animals. When the floes melted, the end appeared to be but a matter of time. So, the challenge to the polar bears was to adapt. They had to find another source of food that (a) did not require ice floes to hunt and (b) was at least as stupid as a seal.

Humans did nothing to stop Global Warming. It is understandable that they did not care whether polar bears survived or not, but they also could not be bothered to get off their duffs to save their own ... duffs. This was an important clue. When we figured that out, we knew we had our dumber-than-a-seal food source.

Earth has a way, given enough time, of healing itself. But it was only with your grandparents' generation that there were enough ice floes to go back to seals. I am just old enough to have eaten some of the last humans. Believe me when I say that they were gross! So, Junior, I don't want to hear any whining when I give you a nice fish, instead of seal, once in a while. Look, your sister has already finished hers, with nary a growl.