The Axis of Pork

January 29, 2002 - At a press conference today, the Big Bad Wolf declared his intention to devour the Three Little Pigs. When asked why, Mr. Wolf replied, "It's because they're a clear and present danger to Fairyland, and not because I'm a ravening beast who craves pork."

March 19, 2003 - The Big Bad Wolf made good today on the first phase of his avowed plan to gobble up the Three Little Pig. Mr. Wolf demolished the First Little Pig's House of Straw with waves of huffing and puffing and gulped the owner down with a side of spring potatoes and a nice Chardonnay. Mr. Wolf was excoriated by critics, who pointed out that a white wine was not proper for pork. "It was his own darn fault," said Mr. Wolf. "I warned him repeatedly to come on out and be eaten like a ... like a creature that knows how to accept its fate. But no-o-o-o! He had to be stubborn!"

March 20, 2003 - Mr. B. B. Wolf brought a complaint against the Second Little Pig before the Fairyland Council today. According to the complaint, Mr. Wolf was "strolling in the vicinity of Mr. Pig's House of Sticks when Mr. Pig did attack the aforementioned Mr. Wolf without provocation, firing three rounds from a high-powered rifle in Mr. Wolf's direction. One round did nearly take Mr. Wolf's left ear off. Mr. Wolf's strolling was of a peaceable nature, and did not involve any huffing or puffing whatsoever." Mr. Wolf further asserted that Mr. Pig was, as Mr. Wolf had warned previously, a threat to Fairyland and urged that the Council unite in censuring Mr. Pig and requiring him to give up his weapons of lupine destruction. When asked if he meant to follow through on his threat to eat Mr. Pig, Mr. Wolf replied, "Not while he has that effing great rifle!"

April 28, 2006 - The Fairyland Council today passed a resolution censuring the Third Little Pig stocking a huge arsenal of conventional and semi-automatic weapons and building an impenetrable House of Brick. "I told you that pig was dangerous!" howled Mr. Big Bad Wolf, who has been pushing for the resolution for four years. "But did you listen? No! Maybe now you'll listen to me when I tell you something!" Mr. Pig insists that he is a peaceful gun collector. "Not a violent curl in my little tail," asserted Mr. Pig. "But now y'all have to treat me with the respect accorded a possessor of massively destructive weapons. In a peaceful way, of course." When asked if his recent interest in collecting devices that blow people's heads off had anything to do with Mr. Wolf's avowed intention of eating him, Mr. Pig said, "Absolutely not! I barely noticed that my unarmed brother, Mr. Pig 1, got scarfed down without so much as a howdy-do, while my armed brother, Mr. Pig 2, got talked to and is still alive and kicking. Nope. No connection whatsoever."