The Second American Revolution

My fellow Americans, it is with deep humility that I accept from you this signal honor, the Interim Presidency of the United States of America. We have traveled a long and tortuous road to reach this historic moment, and I want to thank each and every one of you for saving our Democracy from the jaws of Tyranny. Our heroic struggle has provided us with few opportunities for reflection, but I believe that now is such a time.

Before the Revolution, our nation was deeply divided on many issues, issues that we had to transcend in order to embark on, let alone complete, our historic journey. We argued about race. We argued about religion. We argued about gender. We argued about global warming. We argued about class. We argued about immigration. We argued about war and peace. We argued about unemployment. We argued about health care. We argued about education. We argued about abortion. Whew! I'm starting to lose my breath, and I've barely made a dent in the Issuemobile! The list of divisive issues is so long, that if I attempted to complete it, we would be here all day, and probably into the middle of next week! So, let's just take this list as representative and move on to the common principles that brought us together, the common ground we found that we could occupy as a single people.

Now, I know that every Man Jack (and Woman Jill) among you know what I'm talking about, but I feel obliged to state this for the Universal Record, if there is such a thing. We found that we held two sacred principles in common: Mistrust of government and the right to pack a piece. Yes, yes. I will wait until the cheering subsides a bit.

Yes, we can all agree on these principles. Beside them, all our differences pale into insignificance. At the beginning, though, there were a few naysayers. Most of these have since been humanely relocated. "How can you, with your simple .38, stand up to a government with tanks, automatic weapons, high-tech surveillance equipment, and all that other sophisticated weaponry?" they asked. "How will you overcome all the divisions in our society?" they asked. "Cause those guys know how to manipulate our differences." "How will you overcome their control of the news media?" they asked. Our answer? Mistrust of government and the right to pack a piece.

I will repeat my own story, though I know most of you are already familiar with it. With my .38, I won a firefight against dozens of federal marshals armed with automatic weapons. The naysayers didn't think that was possible. The media called me a dangerously unhinged terrorist. No one believed them. None of those naysayers ever read a good, romantic novel, where the Good Guy always triumphs over the Bad Guys, regardless of - and even because of - their overwhelming objective superiority in firepower. Now, let's take a moment to thank our Founding Fathers who, in their wisdom, realized that determined citizens armed with handguns could overthrow an international empire armed with tanks, bombers, spy satellites, nuclear weapons, and a sophisticated intelligence network.

That is the power of the Second Amendment to the old Constitution. And that's why the right to pack a piece will be front and center in the new Constitution. We don't need most of that other, divisive crap. History has proven that. Here's my first draft:

"We, the People of the United States, in order to defend ourselves from our government, do affirm the right of every man, woman, and child to have arms."

I want to change the "bear arms" bit, because some clever dick might interpret that as meaning "only arms that you can carry." As I stated before, the Good Guy always wins, regardless of the paucity of his arms. Nevertheless, in this increasingly complex world, it is necessary for the common man to possess nuclear weapons for self defense. Remember: Nukes don't kill people. People kill people.