Miss America is a Pig

They love to make you apologize
For telling the truth in the Land of Lies

Priscilla was the first contestant ever to win the Travis County County Fair Hog Competition and the Miss Texas Beauty Pageant in the same year. Then she topped it off with her stunning victory at the Miss America Pageant. Some people wonder how a pig could be Miss America. Though not very many, by the look of it.

I should explain that Texas is the one state where a pig might legitimately win the state beauty contest. You've probably heard the old saying, "You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig." Well, in Texas, the lipstick fools us. We go more by the saying, "It may be a pig, but if it's wearing lipstick, ... YEE-HA!"

Ok. Fair enough. But how about the national pageant? Surely, not everyone was misled by the lipstick. Right? Well, let's just say that the American Hog Association underwrote the whole shebang that year, and the judges all had a personal interest in pork futures. So, there you have it, and there she ... snort ... is.

All well and good, so far, but - wouldn't you know it? - an evil, destructive worm crept into the apple of Miss America's happiness. This worm took the form of a former Miss America from Georgia. Let's call her Ms. Jimma. In a highly publicized interview, Ms. Jimma shocked the nation with these words: "Miss America, Priscilla the Pig, is a pig."

The resulting firestorm of protest was swift and vociferous. Miss America's press secretary replied, "Ms. Jimma is increasingly irrelevant. That's my nasty barb for today. If we don't hear an apology by tomorrow, I'm going to say that she doesn't support the pageant contestants. Then it's going to be that she's giving aid and comfort to ugly people."

Well, fortunately, Ms. Jimma accepted criticism and underwent self-criticism, in the best traditions of our nation. Or of some nation, anyway.

"Oh, I didn't mean to imply that Priscilla the Pig is a pig, exactly," stated Ms. Jimma. "More that she is more ... bristly than Miss America 1908. A bit. And her tail is maybe a little curlier than last year's Miss America."

As a final test, Ms. Jimma was shown a shovel and asked what it was.

"Why, that's a spade," she said. "No! Wait! No no no! Not a spade! A dirt-moving implement, similar to a ... shovel. But perhaps not! Which, for digging, is superior to, say, a rake."

Thank goodness, the integrity of the Miss America Pageant has been upheld.