Reds and Blues

I arrived just in time for elections. Or so, at least, it appeared, given the ardent competition for my favor. I know it couldn't have been my stunning good looks or sparkling conversation.

"Vote Red," urged George. "We're tee-ough."

"Beg your pardon?" I asked. "You're what?"

"Oh, no. Vote Blue," coaxed Harry. "We're tough, too, but we pronounce it correctly. There's a key difference for you already!"

"No no no!" insisted George. "'Tough' isn't manly enough. We're tee-ough, which is 'tough' with testosterone."

"I wouldn't vote for either of them, if I were you," said a third voice.

"Blue bitch!" growled George.

"Don't give her to us!" sniffed Harry. "And," turning to me, "there's another difference for you. We don't use filthy language when we ridicule someone, even if she doesn't know what the heck she's talking about. See?"

"Um, how many parties are there?" I asked.

"Two," said George.

"Exactly the right number," said Harry.

"At least one too few," said the woman.

"Shut up, Cindy!" screamed George.

"What he said," agreed Harry. "But more politely, of course."

"They'll both take you to the same place," cautioned Cindy.

"Nonsense!" snapped George.

"Nonsense, indeed!" echoed Harry. "We're loads different!"

"I think you should know," said Cindy, "the true names of the parties. The 'Reds' are the 'You-do' Party. The 'Blues' are the 'You-don't' Party. Remembering that this is Hell, does that give you any hints? They may argue about details - five degrees of temperature, appropriate torture tools, length and enthusiasm of 'enhanced interrogation techniques,' and so on. But in the end, ... "

"I get it," I sighed.

"You sure will!" howled George. "C'mon! Hurry up and choose! It's got to be either 'If you do' or 'If you don't!' And will somebody please flay that bitch, or do I have to do it myself?"

"How did you wind up down here?" I asked Cindy. "You don't seem the type."

"Clerical error," she said. "Whoops! There goes my hellphone! Yes? Cool! Ok, the error has been corrected, so I'll just be heading up now. So long, and good luck with ... y'know ... all this."