Evolution: It's Nothing to Be Proud of

So, the Creator called a meeting with the Life Force.

"Here's the deal," said the Creator. "You've been mucking around up here in an undifferentiated blob for long enough. I've just created this ... planet thingy, and I'm sending you down to populate it!"

"Ooooh! Goody, goody!" burbled the Life Force.

"You're going to explode into thousands ... no, millions! ... of what I call 'individuals,'" continued the Creator. "In bodies made of matter. And then, you'll evolve!"

"E-what?" asked the Life Force.

"Evolve!" crowed the Creator triumphantly. "It means ... change. And get better!"

"Um, how, exactly?"

"Ah! That's the best part!" cried the Creator. "You are going to have to figure that out for yourself! Er, selves. And I'll write down the rules as you figure them out. Or my assistant Ed will, rather."

"Hmm. Don't know about that," muttered the Life Force.

"And ... GO!"

They started as myriad microbes. First came the shock of incarnation. Second came self-awareness.

Hunger was third. One of the microbes, a bit quicker on the up-take than some of its mates, gobbled down its neighbor.

"Ok, Ed," said the Creator, "take this down. Rule #1: Must be willing to devour your neighbor."

"Check," said Ed.

Another microbe pondered the situation. "I don't know if I should eat other microbes," it thought. "But I guess that's the only food source, so I'm going to do it."

By the time it had made up its mind, however, another microbe had scarfed it up.

"Make that 'Must be willing to devour your neighbor without hesitation,'" corrected the Creator.

So the microbes fell to eating each other. The stronger ones ate the weaker ones.

"Rule #2, Ed: The strong prevail over the weak."

Some of the microbes, realizing that they were overmatched, took to what passed for their heels. The pursuers caught the slower microbes, while the quicker ones got away.

"Ed! Rule #3: The swift prevail over the slow."

Just as one big, muscular microbe was about to eat a little one, the little one shouted, "Hey! Your shoelaces are untied!" When the big microbe looked down, the little microbe micro-kneed it in the micro-groin and gobbled it up.

"Rule #4," said the Creator. "Ingenuity makes up for a lot of physical failings."

Just then, one microbe gestured, as well as a microbe can, for everyone's attention.

"Listen," it said. "I've got a great idea! If we all cooperate and help each other out, we can get everyone what they need, and we can stop all the violence and chaos!"

The other microbes descended on this unfortunate en masse and demolished it. Then they returned to fighting and chasing and trying to outsmart each other.

"Rule #5, Ed," said the Creator. "Cooperation is right out. I think we pretty much have the formula now."

"Ok, let me see if I have this straight," replied Ed. "Rule #1: Kill without compunction. Rule #2: Might makes right. Rule #3: If you can run fast, you'll survive longer. Rule #4: The duplicitous beat the simple. Rule #5: Everyone for themselves."

"I prefer my own phraseology," said the Creator, "but by and large, yes, that's it. Remorseless, powerful liars flourish."

"I don't know about this evolution stuff," said Ed. "Don't you think it will result in a lot of extinctions of species?"

"Sure," agreed the Creator. "That's how it works."

"But when you're left with the most remorseless, powerful, lying species," persisted Ed, "won't it destroy itself with that kind of behavior?"

"Well, duh!" replied the Creator. "Then some less remorseless, powerful, lying species will have a chance to shine. That's the beauty of it."

"Um, if there are any other species left," mumbled Ed. "But if they just stopped devouring each other, they wouldn't have to become extinct. I think a really intelligent species could figure that out."

"Tut, tut, Ed," chided the Creator. "Remember Rule #5. Cooperation is right out."