The Legend of the Bluebonnet (Revised)

copyright © 2006 by Robert L. Blau

Once upon a time in Texas, before the coming of the White Man, the Great Spirit caused a great drought to ravage the land. The members of the Cuddashuddawudda tribe were grievously affected, and they appealed to their shaman to find a solution.

After three days of fasting and prayer, the shaman announced that the Great Spirit had indeed spoken to him and told him what the Cuddashuddawudda could and should do. But would they?

"Here's the deal," said the shaman. "The Great Spirit is pissed off at our greed and selfishness. He says that he will not lift the drought until we sacrifice our most precious possession."

Hey, familiar so far, huh?

At this juncture, a prosperous brave stepped forward. Well, he wasn't really brave, but we'll let the terminology stand for now. This brave was known as He-Who-Is-An-Asshole because his parents had made a fortune in water price gouging during the drought, and he was a chip off the old ... whatever. In fact, the father was also known as He-Who-Is-An-Asshole, so He-Who-Is-An-Asshole, Jr. came to be known simply as 'A' to avoid confusion.

"Now, about the Great Spirit," declaimed A. "I talk to Him every day. Close personal friend of mine. And what the shaman says is true, but the Great Spirit gave me a lot more detail. He said you people aren't responsible enough. You gotta take reponsibility for everything that's going wrong. The sacrifice He was talking about was you turning over all your valuable possessions to me and the other leaders of this tribe. Then we'll take care of everything. Oh, He also said you have to make me Chief."

So the people made A Chief and dutifully yielded up their wealth to him, and A made his right-hand man Sous-Chief. The Sous-Chief was known as He-Who-Is-A-Dickhead. Unfortunately, the drought continued unabated, and some of the people started to complain.

"How come there's no rain?" they whined. "We did what the Great Spirit asked."

" Or, at least, what you said He asked ...," added She-Who-Has-A-Clue.

"We must attack the people to the south!" declared A, while He-Who-Is-A-Dickhead quietly took He-Who-Is-A-Thug aside and instructed him to "take care of the nosy bitch."

"Are those the people who live on top of that whacking big aquifer?" asked She-Who-Has-A-Clue.

"Ma-a-aybe," replied A.

"So, why should we attack them?" continued She-Who-Has-A-Clue. "To steal their water?"

"No way!" puffed A. "We have to attack them because ... they're making firesticks to kill us with!"

"Hey, my cousin married into that tribe," interjected He-Who-Is-Not-Entirely-Brain-Dead. "Their weapons aren't nearly as sophisticated as ours."

"Well, of course, they're not!" slithered A adroitly. "Why would we attack them, if we couldn't whip their asses? It'll be a corncake walk. We have to conquer them because ... they have a really bad chief, and it's our duty to help them out."

"Oh," said the people.

"What about the drought?" She-Who-Has-A-Clue reminded everyone.

"I hereby declare a Holy War!" howled A. "We will call it 'We Attack The Enemy Righteously.' Whattaya think?"

He-Who-Is-A-Dickhead tapped A on the shoulder.

"I think we'd better change the name a little," he whispered. "The acronym might give people the wrong idea. Or the right idea, rather."

"What? WATER?" mumbled A. "What's wrong with that?"

"Let's just change it to ... oh, say, 'We Attack The Enemy With Alacrity.' WATEWA. It sounds more 'injun,' anyway."

And so it was agreed. The Cuddashuddawudda set foot firmly on the warpath ...

... Unfortunately, by the time their army arrived at its destination, they found the entire Comanche nation camped there. A, or He-Who-Is-An-Asshole, Jr., became known - very briefly - as He-Who-Fucked-Up-Big-Time before disappearing from history altogether.

And the Great Spirit laughed so hard that She decided to break the drought and festoon the hills, far and wide, with the beautiful blue flowers that are known today as bluebonnets.