Accountability   "You'd better have a good explanation for those spinning heads, young man, or there's going to be trouble!"
As Rome Burns  Everyone should visit the capital at least once in their life.  I mean, everyone has heard about the great roads, the awesome aqueducts, and the totally cool architecture, but you really have to see it to appreciate it.
A Better World  The world is a better place without Joe Stalin.  I tell that to all the skeptics and nay-sayers.
The Big Bright Ball  As they marched back to the mound, laden with goodies for the Queen, the ants watched the Big Bright Ball in the sky.
Blockbuster Trade  The White House announced early today that it has traded the entire US judiciary for its Iranian counterpart.  The trade is seen as one that will benefit both sides.
Bull in a China Shop  Porcelain Planet had been my dream since I was boy.  It was going to be the best and biggest porcelain emporium in the civilized world.  It was going to have the largest selection of porcelain artifacts in history, from ancient to new, from hard paste to soft, from Bone China to Parian statuary.  It was going to run the geographic gamut from China to England, from Russia to Italy.  It was going to span the centuries from Han to Qing to the present day.
The Burning Bush  "Moses!  Off with the sandals!  You know the drill!"
Close Call  Were you aware that the the Father of Our Country very nearly failed to become President?  It is a sad testament to the state of historical knowledge in this country that many of American citizens do not know how narrowly was disaster avoided when our First Founding Father was opposed and nearly defeated by a lying, cowardly, traitorous opponent.  But that is the purpose of this historical document:  to make the past known to all so that we may never again be tempted to fall into the trap so narrowly avoided ...
Code Red  It was reported today that almost 2 million Americans have lost their jobs under the Bush administration and almost 4 million have lost their health care benefits.

In a completely unrelated story, the Department of Homeland Security announced that terrorists are planning to infect American economic reports with a lethal statistics virus.  All economic reports have been suspended, effective immediately, and the threat level has been raised to Code Yellow.  The source of this intelligence is "chatter."
Come Hell or High Water  As this historic Presidential election approaches, the latest polls indicate that the incumbent Hell Party has opened a 10 point lead over the High Water Party.  But are these polls accurate?  What are the voters really thinking as election day draws nigh?  To answer this question, I have taken to the streets of America to interview the "Man and Woman on the Street."
Congressional Veterans for Truth The following is a TV commercial developed and paid for by concerned, nonpartisan American citizens...
The Dam Economy  The village lay in the shadow of a huge dam.  The dam had been built to supply water for irrigation, drinking, and fisheries.  The villagers were quite happy with it, on the whole.  But lately, cracks had begun appearing in the dam, and occasionally large chunks of dam came tumbling to earth.  This made some people a little nervous.
Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't   It happened that God took pity on the souls suffering in hell.  And he decided to let them off the hook.  Literally, in some cases.
Defending the Fundaments of Society  "Mr. President!  Mr. President!"
        "Ah, yes.  Always pleased to speak to members of the Fourth Estate.  How can I help you?"
        "About this constitutional amendment, Mr. President ...  Is it true that you're supporting it?"
A Few Poison Apples  "I want to order one poison apple," said the Queen.
Fire Ants  There was a huge fire ant mound in the middle of the vacant lot.  The family had a meeting to discuss what to do about it.
Flip-Flopping FAQs  Q:  George Bush said that we must invade Iraq because they supported al-Qaeda, and then it turned out that they didn't.  So he said that we had to invade because Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.  But they didn't.  So he said that we had to invade to liberate the Iraqi people because Saddam was such an awful person.  Is there a flip-flop in there?
A:  No.  You are confusing "flip-flops" with "lies."
Fox and Scorpion According to the old story, the scorpion asks the fox to carry him across the river on his back.  The fox demurs, saying that the scorpion will sting him.  The scorpion counters that, if he should sting the fox, they both would drown.  The fox then agrees to carry the scorpion across.  Half way across the river, the scorpion stings the fox.
        "What are you doing?" asks the fox. "Now we'll both drown."  "Gosh," says the scorpion. "I couldn't help myself.  I'm a scorpion."
Four More Years  Please pardon my smugness, but, you see, I was one of the few who got it right all those years ago.  Of course, it's easy to see now, especially from my vantage point in heaven.  My friend Soji is tugging at my elbow.  He wants me to tell you that he got it right, too.
Free Squawking Zone  We Free Range Chickens pride ourselves on our open society.  Our Bill of Fowl Rights guarantees us the Freedom to Squawk, if we don't like the way the Big Cock is running things.  Anyway, we elect him, and we can unelect him, too!  So, you can imagine our dismay, when ...
The Great Boob Caper   The life of a Private Tom isn't the orgy of glamor people imagine.  The pay is low and the hours are long.  That is, the hours are long when someone actually hires you.  Usually the hours are pretty much nonexistent.  Nevertheless, it had to be better than the harrowingly unsuccessful experiences I had with a series of criminally stupid masters.  So there I was, twiddling my claws, waiting for the big case, the one that would make it all  worthwhile.
Human Sacrifice  By order of Zebo, High Priest of the Great God Morg, the human  sacrifices           commenced on the 23rd of Dwip, in the Year of the Incontinent Marmot.  And throughout the           land of Ngomak, the people felt safe again ... 
Instant Replay  "Good evening, sports fans!  This is Ace Grbcz with today's post-game wrap-up."
The Lady or the Tiger II  There was once a semi-barbaric country where conflicts of great moment were settled by games of (supposedly) impartial and (theoretically) incorruptible chance.  So, for example, if a married couple wanted to divorce, the rights and wrongs of the matter and who got what pieces of real estate and which kids were settled by coin flips, rather than by lengthy litigation involving expensive attorneys.  And the results were no worse.
Let the Healing Begin   The Crown Prince was bleeding.  While this may not be a major problem in most families, in certain royal families, it can be catastrophic ...
A Letter to the Editor Dear Sir:
I must protest most vehemently the loss of manners among our youth and the demise of propriety among our poets!
Luigi  A worm I was born, and a worm I remain.  My Ma-pa always said, "Luigi, be proud of who you are," and I took that advice to heart.  I remember she-he even said it as the bird was carrying her-him off.  So, no matter how rich and powerful I later became, I never forgot where I came from.
Lying Down with Pigs  Jethro had a preference for pigs.  It wasn't just that he liked there swinely grace or the noble turn of their snouts or even their above average intelligence.  Jethro loved pork, and not only for breakfast.  He liked to get down in the mud with it.
The Mandate of Heaven  Hi.  God here.  Generally, I eschew hobnobbing with the hoi polloi, preferring to chat only with my special favorites, the ones who appreciate my true vengeful nature, but I just had to make an exception today.  That's because my good buddy, Pat Robertson, reminded me of the old Mandate of Heaven days in China.
Men in Block  Rural setting.  A car stops outside a farm house.  Two men, H & R, get out.
R:  I'll do the talking, kid.
The New York Times Covers the Emperor's New Clothes  When the Emperor set forth clad in the altogether, he made this statement:  "I am dressed in magical clothes that are critical to national security.  Anyone who claims not to be able to see my garments is a traitor and a terrorist."
The Protectors  Gertie didn't like the new Masters.  They frightened her. 
Quick Action Saves US from Terrorist Attack September 21, 2004 - The United States was spared another cataclysmic terrorist attack today, thanks to quick action by the FBI.  Unable to locate Osama bin Laden after more than three years, US security apparatchiks were able to redeem themselves by bagging Yusuf Islam, formerly known by the alias of "Cat Stevens."
Rara Avis  From the beginning, that one egg looked odd.  Gladys had a full clutch, and that one was almost the right size and almost the right color.  Almost.  But not quite.  And it looked ... leathery.
A Revised - Not Revisionist - History of the United States in World War II
Wallace:  Mr. President!  Mr. President!  Japan has attacked Pearl Harbor!
FDR:  Oh, dear!  Hide me!  Hide me!
Seals, Sharks, and Orcas The Shark stuck its Great White Snout out of the water.
        "Psst!  Hey, guys!  Over here!" it  beckoned.  As well as it could with a Great White Snout.
A Seaworthy Vessel  Elroy and Hazel had always wanted to go on a Caribbean cruise, but they never seemed to have the time or money.  Finally, after 20 years of marriage, they decided to take the plunge.  They booked a berth on the Imperial Overlord because all their friends recommended it.
Second Amendment Rites  Katelyn lost another AK-47 at school today.  That girl couldn't hang on to a weapon if her life depended on it.  Which it does.
The Semi and the Bicycle  I'm here to interview Mr. J. P. Righteous, but before I begin, I had better describe this location to you.  We are standing in the middle of a rather narrow two-lane roadway, along with dozens of other people.  There are high, sheer walls on either side, so that no one can simply step off the road.  Behind us, the road ends abruptly with a sheer and towering drop-off.  In front of us, a large semi tractor trailer is just coming into view.  It's going, oh, I'd say about 80 miles an hour.  Alongside it is a bicycle.  Hey, don't ask me how it keeps up, but it does.
The Sins of CBS  Special to the Daily Dishrag - In the wake of the controversy regarding the allegedly bogus George Bush National Guard documents, the Daily Dishrag's own Brian Beegle obtained an exclusive interview with Constitutional and media legal expert Professor Alastair Inksteighn-Retch.
The State of Notaxes  What a relief it was to cross the border into the great state of Notaxes.  It had been a long journey down from Massataxes, where the only thing certain was death by taxes.  At last, Marge and little Johnny and I could breathe free again.
Staying the Course I was taking my morning constitutional one day, when I came upon a gang of toughs beating up some poor slob.  A second gang had taken an interest and were gradually edging toward the scene of the action.  A large crowd of by-standers had gathered to watch.
Staying the Odyssey  Most students of literature are aware of the trials endured by the hero Odysseus in his journey from Troy to his home in Ithaca.  But you know, it isn't that far from Troy to Ithaca.  As Odysseus's wife Penelope so succinctly put it, "What took you so long?  What, you couldn't pick up a phone once in a while?  A telemakhos, you couldn't send me?  How about a little letter?"  Ok, maybe she wasn't so succinct.  But why did Odysseus's journey take so long?  Perhaps this will clear a few things up ...
Stories I Tell Myself Walter and I were products of the same farrowing, so I thought I knew just about everything there was to know about him.  That's why I was so surprised when I started hearing the odd stories about him.
Strong Leader, Conservative Values, Man of God  Two men vie for the people's support.  I am amazed that any clear-thinking person could have any question as to whom to follow.
Swatting Silver Bullets  "Yes, Officer?  How can I help you?"
             "I just wanted to talk to you about that bit of unpleasantness where you ran a stop sign           and  killed six people, Mr. Biggs.  Do you have a minute?" 
Tilting at Dragons  I hesitated briefly before letting the knocker fall.  I couldn't set off on such an important dragon-slaying assignment without soliciting the counsel and support of  my good friend and next door neighbor, but I hated to awaken him so early in the morning. 
           I needn't have worried. 
Tip of the Iceberg  I don't think I was supposed to hear it, but there you are.  I was just strolling on the deck, enjoying the view, when I overheard the Captain and the 2nd Mate.
Too Controversial  "What do you mean, you can't broadcast this?"
    "It's way too controversial, sir.  CBS can't be responsible for spreading stuff like this."
Top Ten Reasons for Deporting Cat Stevens Under pressure from legal action initiated by Yusuf Islam, formerly known as Cat Stevens, the US Department of Homeland Security released the following justifications for the recent deportation of the former pop star:
The True Story of Theseus and the Minotaur  In the olden days, the city of Athens paid to King Minos of Crete an annual tribute of fourteen youths, seven male and seven female.  The destination of these youths was the dinner table of one of the great monsters of myth, the Minotaur.  Some Athenians were a trifle upset about that.
Twisting Words  As election day approaches, the charges and counter-charges fly thick and fast.  How are the voters to know the truth?  Fortunately, we, the even-handed and impartial media, are here to separate the wheat from the chaff.
U. S. Turns Power Over to Saddam  The Bush administration announced today that it had sacked the entire Iraqi Governing Council and returned power to Saddam Hussein in a brief ceremony.  Presidents Bush and Saddam were seen smiling broadly, shaking hands, and kissing each other on both cheeks.  By way of explanation, Vice President Dick Cheney remarked, "One thing you've got to say for those Baathists:  They sure know how to keep order.  Al-Sadr'll never know what hit him."
Uprising at Possum's Backside  Black Bart was the meanest, orneriest, nastiest, unhygienic-ist outlaw west of the Pecos.  Really.  You can check it out on page 247 of What's That?  Some guy on the Potomac is listed as meanest, orneriest, nastiest, unhygienic-ist east of the Pecos, but Black Bart is appealing.  Well, no one that disgusting could actually be appealing, but he's filed a protest.  But I digress.
Walk Like a Duck  "Quack, quack," said the rooster.
    "Jake," said I, "I have some bad news for you."
Weapons of Mass Destruction Found   March 3, 2004 - The White House announced today
that the missing Iraqi weapons of mass destruction have been found in Alabama.  According to White House spokesman Arty Stonewall, the elusive WMDs were discovered at Anniston Army Depot, thanks to a harmless leak of deadly sarin nerve gas.  When asked how the leak could be simultaneously harmless and deadly, Mr. Stonewall stated, "Saddam and his henchman hid these hideous weapons in ordinary fruit juice cartons and handed them over to Al Qaeda operatives, who smuggled them into the very heart of American democracy, while John Kerry shmoozed with Jane Fonda."