Against Magical Activism  We are bound by the Big Book of Spells, even as it was bound by the Founding Forebears. For the Big Book of Spells, or BBS, as it is fondly but reverently known, is much more than a collection of spells. It is the comprehensive guide and final authority on the use of magic in this magical world, designed to govern and regulate the rights and responsibilities of magical and nonmagical folk. It is therefore vitally important that everyone stick to the literal meaning of its words and the intentions of our wise Founding Forebears. And yet some people are always trying to dick with it. Which is why we need people like me.
Appealing to the Undecided Voters I was just rubbing my eyes and stretching after a refreshing nap, when a gaggle of excited townspeople swarmed me from below.
Balanced and Rational  Full disclosure: I am sane. And I don't run from it like so many of my brethren and sistren, who prefer the term "reasonable."
Bigger and Badder "I'm voting for the Big Bad Wolf," said the First Little Pig.
Blast to the Future It must have been a gas main. Or something. I don't know how long I was out. But the day was June 23, 2012. That was important to remember. In view of subsequent events.
Boll Weevils  I suspected the boll weevils, at first. After all, cotton plants dying left and right, weevils crawling all over the place. What was I supposed to think? It's a good thing that boll weevil delegation came calling to set me straight.
Brain Damaged "I do fear for her sanity," said the First.
Bringing the Good News Rejoice, O my brethren and sistren, for I bring great tidings of joy!
The Buffet Rule Really, the buffet was the reason I joined. It was legend. Among the men's clubs of our great city, no one else could touch it.
Buying a Used Car You're probably wondering how I wound up by the side of the road in this 110-degree heat, squatting by the smoking remains of a vaguely car-shaped heap of junk. Well, probably, you aren't. But I'm going to tell you, anyway. And no fair checking your thermometer to verify my 110-degree figure. I'll explain that, too.
Cars Don't Kill Time We can't look at time the same way the posh universes do. For them, it's just a standard-issue, boilerplate dimension, like height or width. They can spend it, take it, make it, call it, waste it, kill it, even do it without evoking any real-world consequences. Not us, however. In our universe, doing things to time has consequences. Our time is more like what you would call ... a natural resource, maybe.
Citizens Untied  "You don't suppose they'll find in favor, do you?"
Christianity Debunked Thank goodness I found out in time. As a life-long Christian, I had never suspected the Truth. So relieved and humble thanks to our friends at the Fatherland Foundation for shining a light into that dark place.
Demonizing  My mom always told me not to demonize people. So I first saw the demon at school. It was introduced as a new student, Asqrzkxt. It went tearing up and down the halls, causing havoc and chaos everywhere. In the restrooms, it blocked up the commodes and scrawled lewd messages all over the walls, although no one noticed any difference. In the cafeteria, it tore the hair nets off the lunch ladies, tripped kids in the lunch line, and widdled in the macaroni and cheese, which admittedly was an improvement.
The Devil or the Deep Blue Sea Here we are again, 'twixt the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea. Unlike so many, who have to make this fateful, and sometimes terminal, decision on the spur of the moment, we get to revisit every four years. And at our leisure, yet. Aren't we lucky?
Evolution and Danger Witness the witless worm, inching its way along the twig. It doesn't see the robin bob, bob, bobbin' along. It does nothing. Down the hatch goes the worm, which is just as well, because robins need to eat, too, and there are plenty more worms where that one came from.
Evolutionary Dead Ends: The Political Ant We are accustomed, these days, to the kind of ant that swarms every time a new crop of queens hatches. Rather move than fight. No exoskeleton, figuratively speaking. But it wasn't always that way. There used to be a sterner breed of ant ...
Evolutionary Dead Ends: The Sonoran Crocodile The Great Sonoran Swamp once stretched from California to Arizona to Mexicos, old and new. And it was home to the Sonoran Crocodile, the biggest, fattest, most prosperous, and most numerous crocodilian species ever to occupy the North American continent.
Freedom of Speech It would be a lot easier to keep the peace, if it weren't for all the crackpot complaints we get. What is wrong with some people? I mean, God love 'em, but they just don't get the concept that other people have rights, too. I'll give you an example ...
The God Blob In the beginning
                      Was the Datum Singular.
                      Then it exploded.
Hammers  It's true, what the NRA says. If there weren't any guns, people would go around killing each other with hammers. Which is how I got into this mess.
The Hyena, the Jackal, and the Vulture  A hyena, a jackal, and a vulture were quarreling over a rotting corpse. The dear departed was so far gone that its species was unidentifiable this side of a CSI lab, but the scavengers were in full roar.
Idiot Hornets I was immensely relieved when the hornet nest in my backyard pecan tree collapsed, seemingly of its own volition, and rolled into the high grass. I had been agonizing for weeks over what to do about it, and now the problem had seemingly solved itself. But I waited a day before approaching the wreckage, and carefully, at that.
Indentured Servitude "You just can't get good indentured help like you used to, Obadiah."
Killers There was another instance just yesterday. Mrs. O'Leary found a huge colony in her back yard. So the exterminators came out and took care of it, of course, because the things are so aggressive. Fortunately, no one was hurt, but you can't just leave them out there, and you can't relocate them, even to a remote area. Because then they would just keep on breeding and spreading. Still, it seems a shame just to exterminate the lot. That's why I had this idea.
Magic Lamp So, when I rubbed it, out popped this genie, and all up for wish-granting, too. I had to share this!
Man's Best Friend Once upon a time, dogs domesticated humans. And were the wolves ever pissed!
New Boss  "Have you met the new boss yet?" Terry's voice was vibrating with unaccustomed tension.
Not About Men  I was looking up at a circle of white-masked, white-robed figures. In fact, the entire room seemed to be themed in white. Except for the straps that were holding me to the table.
Partisan Report I feel that it is incumbent on me to dispel the misinformation recently propagated by the yellow press. The subject is a blatantly political report circulated by the allegedly nonpartisan Legislative Support Group. The LSG was founded a hundred years ago, when our party apparently thought it was possible to find common ground with our evil scum-sucking opponents. The LSG has been fiendishly cunning in disguising its obvious bias for the bulk of that century, but it has really blown its cover with this scurrilous report.
People Kill People Because this is just another example of big government messing with the rights of the little guy, isn't it?
Predasites My tour of potentially life-sustaining planets had brought me to a pleasant little rock leeward of the Crab Nebula. I always hope, on these jaunts, to encounter intelligent life, and in this, I am seldom not disappointed. This trip was no exception. He appeared to be watching over a herd of white, woolly animals.
Principles of Scapegoating  The ancient Israelites were not the only people who practiced scapegoating. There was, in fact, another ancient people, known as the Bamaites, who learned the practice at the Israelite knee, as it were. The Bamaites then vanished mysteriously and utterly from history. However, the recent discovery of the Ancient Scrolls appears to shed light on the mystery of their disappearance.
Property Values They don't call me the Real Estate King for nothing, if they call me the Real Estate King at all.  That's because I've been buying and selling property in these parts for nigh on to  ... can't even remember how nigh on to it's been,  And I've been crowned more than once for my troubles.
Rocket Program The explosion damn near blew my tail off. The ship's, too.
Royal Chili Chef The Royal Chili Chef insisted that it was not the drano in the chili that killed the king, but the new king sacked him anyway.
The Survivable Sting Act Foxes give scorpions a lift across the river, and scorpions sting them in the middle. Of the river, too. This is common knowledge. That's why it's a borderline miracle that the Survivable Sting Act ever got through the scorpio-vulpine legislature.

Too Green  The Department of Romeland Security was established in the late 4th Century to mitigate the threat of barbarian invasion. Even as neighboring empires pooh-poohed barbarian invasion as unsubstantiated drivel and a restraint on trade, the DRS kept Rome prepared for the worst. Until they asked for a rate increase.
Testing the Chickens Feeding time on the farm. The Hogs were gorging at the trough, while the Chickens went scratching in the yard. The Farmer kept hauling out tubs of slop to replenish the troughs, while occasionally tossing a handful of corn for the chickens to scrabble over.
The Two Cinderellas No one ever talks about the first Cinderella anymore.
Vulture Vulturism  Vultures are the salt of the air, the avian elite, the princes of ornianism. Everyone knows that. Even a little tit like me knows that. They are Opportunity Makers, as they themselves admit, and not scum-sucking carrion feeders at all.
Water Carriers Once upon a time, in a galaxy near, near home, there was an earth-like planet, teeming with intelligent and not-so-intelligent life. Like all the living planets we know of, this one was highly dependent on water. Also like all the living planets we know of, it was ruled by its wealthiest creatures.
Who's Crazy?  They're at the door now, so I haven't got much time, but the world has got to know. It is possible. In spite of everything that has happened, it is possible. I know because I have done it. And would do it again. Even knowing the consequences. I hear splintering.
Why Bad Things Happen, and How to Fix Them Some 65 million years ago, a mass extinction swept the earth. Hundreds of species vanished with barely a trace. Until recently, the cause of this extinction has been a hot debate topic among paleontologists and their ilk. Most believed that it was related to a major asteroid strike that so altered the climate of the earth that the dinosaurs could not survive. Now, of course, we know that climate change cannot cause cataclysms - or indeed, ever happen at all, and recent scholarship has revealed the true cause of the demise of the dinosaurs. It was Obama's fault, and it could have been prevented, if the dinosaurs had more guns.
Why the Big Bad Wolf Lost The shocking defeat of the Big Bad Wolf in yesterday's election has triggered a tidal wave of soul-searching in the canidae community. Apparently, the electorate's pig ignorance was not enough this time. What went wrong? What follows is a sampling of the howling of the canine news media.
The Wolf at Grandma's "I don't know," said Grandma, peering through her peephole. "I'm not accustomed to letting in just any old stranger who raps on my door, especially not one with such big ears, eyes, and what-not."