Who's Crazy?

They're at the door now, so I haven't got much time, but the world has got to know. It is possible. In spite of everything that has happened, it is possible. I know because I have done it. And would do it again. Even knowing the consequences. I hear splintering.

This started a few years ago, when I was talking to my friends Hypocrites and Asqrzkxt.

"I have a thriving scam insurance company," said Hypocrites.

"How does it work?" I asked skeptically.

"People pay me to protect them against scams," he replied, "and I take it."

"And protect them against scams?"

"Of course not. I just take the money."

"How does that insure against scams?" I asked.

"Not insurance against scams," explained Hypocrites. "Scam insurance! It is a scam!"

"People aren't going to understand that," I said.

"Exactly," he said. It was so him.

"We are under attack by Satan!" screamed Asqrzkxt. "Follow me! Only I can lead you in defeating the forces of darkness!" He was always spouting shit like that.

"You're a demon," I pointed out.

"Who better to put you on the 'protected' list?" he cried.

"Look," I said, "you guys each have your hobbies to keep you busy. I've been thinking about trying something myself."

"Yes?" They both eyed me quizzically.

"I'm thinking about going and living among the sane for a while," I told them.

"What, are you crazy?" they shouted in unison.

"Yes, of course," I replied. "As are we all. That's the point."

"But there's crazy and ... cra-a-a-azy," said Hypocrite. "No one can survive among the sanes. They'll eat you alive."

"I don't think so," I said. "I think I can pass."

My friends looked very skeptical.

"Not only can I pass," I continued, "but I can become the ruler of the sanes."

"No way," scoffed Asqrzkxt. "If you can do that, I will personally support you to be King of the Crazies."

"Me, too!" seconded Hypocrites.

Then they laughed like demons, which at least one of them was.

"Go ahead and laugh, guys," I retorted confidently. "I'm going to do this thing."

And so I did. The first thing I noticed about the sanes was that they believed everything you told them. Not just the idiots, I mean. Just about all of them. All you had to do was say, "Hello, there, fellow sane person. I'm just like you. How about you make me king?"

And they would say, "What a great idea!"

Sure there was the odd skeptic, who said, "Aren't you one of those crazy people from Crazyland?"

But all you had to say was, "I may be from Crazyland, but you can't hold that against me. I'm just as sane as you are."

Those people are nothing, if not reasonable. And gullible. Which is not to say that I wasn't worried about being found out.

I think that big thump was a battering ram.

And so I became king of the sane people, but I yearned for my own kind. Heck, I had accomplished what I had set out to do, and I couldn't wait to lord it over Hypocrites and Asqrzkxt. So I decided to go home.

"Ah, ha!" I crowed to my old buddies. "You said it couldn't be done, and I did it! What say you now, eh?"

"Kill it!" they screamed.

"Beg pardon?" I replied, looking around for the object of their horror. "Kill what?"

"It's sane!" shrieked Asqrzkxt.

"That's the sanest person in the history of history," intoned Hypocrites.

They were pointing at me. I laughed, but they weren't laughing.

"It's me," I said. "Your old buddy from forever. Look at me."

"Did you hear that reasonable tone of voice?" queried Hypocrites. "He's sane, all right."

"No," I said. "I'm not. I'm every bit as insane as you are. Don't you remember? I went out among the sanes and tricked them into making me their king. To show that it could be done. We talked about it!"

"Can't be among sanes without catching it!" said Asqrzkxt. "Kill the infamous thing!"

"You both said you'd back me for king, if I could pull it off," I reminded them. "Remember that?"

"You? King?" scoffed Hypocrites. "I want to be king!"

"No, I'm going to be king!" snapped Asqrzkxt irritably.

"I'll kill you first!" growled Hypocrites.

"Good luck with that!" snarled Asqrzkxt. "But let's get the sane guy first!"

"I am not sane!" I screamed. "It was all an act! You knew it was all an act! I'm as crazy as you are!"

"Impossible," they replied, and I could see the truth in that.

Which is how I come to be holed up in this rat trap as my two homicidal friends beat down the door. It's just ... oh, yeah. Crazy.