Man's Best Friend

Once upon a time, dogs domesticated humans. And were the wolves ever pissed!

"No fair," said the wolves to the dogs. "We have to bite and scratch for every bit of meat we get, and you have a walking larder, right at hand."

"Oh, we don't eat the humans," laughed the dogs. "What an idea!"

"You don't?" puzzled the wolves. "Why not? Why else would you have a herd of them?"

The dogs laughed again. "We're more like ... friends," explained the dogs. "They feed us ... not with themselves, but pretty good stuff, usually. Except that dry crap. That's revolting. Anyway, they feed us and throw sticks for us to bring back and scratch us behind the ears. And we hunt for them and protect them and herd their livestock and bring the sticks back and present our ears for scratching. And we can follow where they point with their fingers!"

"What's a finger?" growled the wolves. "Never mind. That's degrading and disgusting! For a proud beast to work and grovel for those prey creatures? And not even get to eat them? And you do this for food?"

"Not just food," said the dogs. "We call it a sym-bi-ot-ic relationship, and we plan to plant that word in their brains, as soon as they're smart enough to understand it. But more importantly, we kind of like them."

"Like them?" howled the wolves. "Now, you're going to make us regurgitate the nice deer we just pulled down, not half an hour ago. Then we'll have to eat it again. Which isn't so bad, we guess. But it does sound like a pretty cushy gig. The humans do seem to generate a lot of meat, themselves not excluded. We want in on this."

"Sorry," said the dogs. "You had your chance a few hundred years ago. In fact, some of you took it. They were us, basically. Too late to come whining and sniffing now."

"Oh, yeah?" retorted the wolves. "Well, we'll just see about that. We suppose you wouldn't mind putting it to the humans for a vote, right? Let them choose between us and you."

"Ridiculous!" barked the dogs.

"Brawk, brawk, brawk, brawk, brawk!" taunted the wolves, in their best chicken imitation. "You know you can't compete with us."

"What nonsense!" snapped the dogs. "A choice between 'Man's Best Friend,' who has worked and played and fought and suffered and lived with them and a pack of ravening beasts who steal their livestock and sometimes even kill them? Of course, they would choose us. Humans may be a bit dim, but anything with a pulse could make that choice."

"Then there's no harm in putting it to a vote, is there?" wheedled the wolves.

And the dogs, not wanting to hear the wolves' chicken impression again, agreed.

"This is a very simple choice," said the dogs to the humans. "It's your beloved, life-long friends and benefactors versus your age-old enemies."

"Look out!" roared the wolves. "Look out for the lions and tigers and bears! Oh, yeah! The dogs are too wimpy to protect you from the lions and tigers and bears! You need wolves to do that! Vote wolf!"

"Yeah, that makes a lot of sense," said the humans.

"But who's going to protect you from the wolves?" countered the dogs.

"Aaaooo!" howled the wolves. "That is very hurtful, that is. What do you take us for, wild animals?"

"Well, ... yes," said the dogs.

"Oh, look, look!" cried the wolves. "The dogs let lazy, good-for-nothing humans get away with stuff! That's an insult to industrious, good-for-something humans, like we know you are! You vote wolf, and we'll make sure the lazy, good-for-nothings are severely dealt with, while you get what's coming to you!"

"Hear, hear," mumbled the humans. "That's true. Other humans are lazy whatchamacallits, unlike us good people. We need the wolves to sort that lot out."

"Listen, guys," replied the dogs. "Focus: we ... friends and servants; they ... enemies and predators."

"Aaaooo!" howled the wolves again. "Species warfare! Throw the corrupt dogs out! They do nothing but sponge off you! We don't sponge off you, do we? Not nearly as much as we would like."

"They make a good point there," said the humans. "We do feed the dogs and give them homes and scratch their ears and all that. What have they ever done for us?"

"You mean, other than hunt for you, herd for you, and protect you?" asked the dogs.

"That's not natural," argued the wolves. "It's against the Law of Nature! You kick out the dogs and rely on the Law of Nature, and everything will be perfect! Stands to reason. Prey gotta be eaten. Predators gotta eat 'em. Vote wolf. We promise to put things back to the way they were before dogs."

"Gosh, how wise!" said the humans.

It was a landslide.