Buying a Used Car

You're probably wondering how I wound up by the side of the road in this 110-degree heat, squatting by the smoking remains of a vaguely car-shaped heap of junk. Well, probably, you aren't. But I'm going to tell you, anyway. And no fair checking your thermometer to verify my 110-degree figure. I'll explain that, too.

When the old Honda finally gave up the ghost, I didn't have the scratch to buy a new car. So I went to Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John's Pre-Owned Executive Lifestyle Enhancers to look for a good used one. It was a sweltering day, like this one. And didn't I feel fortunate to be waited on by Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John himself?

"Hi!" said Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John. "I'm Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John. How can I help you?"

"Well, hi, there, Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John," I replied. "I'm looking for a good used car."

"Well, you haven't come to the right place for that," said Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John coyly. "I don't sell used cars. I only sell pre-owned lifestyle enhancers!"

"Well, ... one of those, then," I stammered.

"Excellent!" crooned Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John, indicating the aforementioned smoking heap of junk. "This one's a beaut!"

"Looks all right," I said. Well, it did look all right at the time. It hadn't even started smoking yet. "So, how does it drive?"

"It's very clean," said Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John.

"Um, yes, I suppose it is," I admitted, "but I'm more interested in performance."

"They don't make 'em like this anymore," said Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John.

"And that could be a good thing," I said, "but what kind of gas mileage does it get?"

"Top-flight engineering," said Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John.

"If I turned the key in the ignition," I queried, "would it start?"

"Ha, ha!" winked Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John. "Good one!"

"It looks ok," I said, "but before I make any decisions, I want to take it to my mechanic and have it checked out."

"I'm afraid that won't be possible," said Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John, his face clouding with honest concern.

"Why not?" I replied, a might testily. "I've always done it in the past."

"It's not me," said Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John with fulsome sincerity. "I'm with you on this. It's the law."

"What law?" I asked skeptically.

"The new state law," said Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John. "It prohibits you from consulting a mechanic when buying a used car."

"How about a pre-owned lifestyle enhancer?" I asked nastily.

"Them, too, I'm afraid," replied Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John without apparent sardonic intent.

"That is completely bonkers!" I protested. "Why would anyone pass a law like that?"

"I don't necessarily disagree with you," said Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John, sounding a bit slippery, "but they have discovered that mechanics have a political agenda against honest people like you and me."

"Who are 'they?'" I asked suspiciously.

"Why, our selfless legislators, who work tirelessly for our welfare, of course," said Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John. "And the People, of course, whom our legislators represent. The honestly honest People."

"But if I can't have a vehicle checked out by someone I trust, how will I know if it's any good?"

"You'll know because I tell you it's good," said Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John, "and my name isn't Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John for nothing."

"I don't know," I mumbled.

"Have I ever lied to you?" asked Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John. "That you know of?"

The heat was beginning to get to me by then. "What's the temperature in here?" I asked.

"Feels nice and balmy to me," said Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John.

"Nice and balmy?" I croaked. "What does the thermometer say?"

"Sorry," said Honestly Honest Have I Ever Lied to You John. "Not allowed to consult a thermometer on matters of temperature. It's the law."