Freedom of Speech

It would be a lot easier to keep the peace, if it weren't for all the crackpot complaints we get. What is wrong with some people? I mean, God love 'em, but they just don't get the concept that other people have rights, too. I'll give you an example ...

This guy comes into the station in high dudgeon. He's a bar owner.

"Officer," he says, "I want to lodge a complaint."

"So what can I do for you?" says I.

"It's Joey the Jackal and Vinnie the Vulture," he says. "I want you to arrest them."

"What for?" I ask. I'm very surprised because I know that these two gentlemen are pillars of the community. I know this because they pay me twice what the tightwad city does.

"Extortion," he says. "They're trying to extort protection money out of me. And I know I'm not the only one."

"That is a very serious charge," I reply. "Can you tell me exactly what happened?"

He says, "Sure. They came into my bar, bold as brass, and started looking at all the breakable stuff."

"That's not a crime," I interject.

"I'm not done!" he says indignantly. "Then they started handling everything, like hefting the ashtrays and tossing bottles up in the air and catching them."

"Still no crime," I say helpfully.

"I'm still not done!" he says. "Then they said, 'Nice place you got here. It would be a shame if anything happened to it, and if you pay us to protect it, something bad might happen to it.'"

"Oh, that's not extortion," I explain. "The gentlemen are just exercising their free speech."

"Free speech?!" he screeches. "That's not free speech! That's intimidation!"

"Uh, 'fraid not," I correct him. "That there is Constitutional free speech, as defined by our strict-constructionist Supreme Court. Bosses can free speech their employees into voting the right way now. That is, they always could, but nobody knew it until the Supreme Court got the strict construction right. Now, when a boss tells his employees they might lose their jobs if they don't vote the right way, that's something they can make happen themselves because a boss can fire an employee. But Mr. Joey the Jackal and Mr. Vinnie the Vulture aren't even your bosses, so when they say something bad might happen to your bar if you don't pay up, that's even freer speech, see?"

Some people just don't get the concept.