Partisan Report

I feel that it is incumbent on me to dispel the misinformation recently propagated by the yellow press. The subject is a blatantly political report circulated by the allegedly nonpartisan Legislative Support Group. The LSG was founded a hundred years ago, when our party apparently thought it was possible to find common ground with our evil scum-sucking opponents. The LSG has been fiendishly cunning in disguising its obvious bias for the bulk of that century, but it has really blown its cover with this scurrilous report.

The report in question fallaciously debunks the very foundation of our party's philosophy. It was our patriotic duty to suppress it. Some argue that a better course of action would have been to refute its methodology and conclusions using facts and logic, but since we don't have any of that, suppression just seemed the right way to go.

But allow me to give you illustrative examples of the politically loaded language the LSG used:

"The earth is spherical in shape." If that were so, we would all fall off, right?

"Flat-earthers." We of the Flat Earth Party find this particularly demeaning.

"The force of gravity." We do not acknowledge that.

Our Empirical Evidence Party opponents have been throwing this kind of garbage at us for years. To see it in a report conveniently published just before an election is just a little suspicious, wouldn't you agree? Election time is the time for grand, unsubstantiated assertions, not that scientific stuff.