Property Values

They don't call me the Real Estate King for nothing, if they call me the Real Estate King at all. That's because I've been buying and selling property in these parts for nigh on to ... can't even remember how nigh on to it's been, And I've been crowned more than once for my troubles.

So it was no surprise when an old customer of mine looked me up again after nigh on to ... some long period of time.

"What can I do to you?" I greeted him jovially. Always pays to start with a little joke. "Where ya been keepin' yerself?"

"Moved out to California, if you remember," said the guy, whose name I couldn't remember. "Been nigh on to ... quite a few years, now. Remember that property you sold for me back then?"

"Ah, yes." I did, actually. "'Spacious, airy, well-lit. Convenient to excellent schools and shopping. Strong community. Established neighborhood. Lots of rooms!'"

"Yes, that was it," said the guy. "Well, I'm moving back into town, and I remembered you ..."

"Say no more!" said I. "Have I got the place for you! Spacious, airy, well-lit. Convenient to excellent schools and shopping. Strong community. Established neighborhood. Lots of rooms! It's just a mile and a half off Interstate 60 ..."

"You aren't talking about the old Bates place, are you?" interjected the guy, rather rudely.

"Why, yes, I am," I replied with dignity.

"That bat-infested ..."

"Natural, low-cost insect control."

"Drafty ..."

"Cool in summer."

"No-electricity ..."

"Historical, original fittings."

"Hell hole?"

"Only visible occasionally," I concluded. "And all of the bodies have been cleared out."

"No, I'm not interested in that," he said, not subtly. "What I want is to buy back my old property, the one you sold for me, back when!"

"Oh, no, you don't want that," I advised him.

"But I do," he replied thickly. "I saw that it was on the market again."

"But with ... another realtor," I explained. "It's cramped, stuffy, and dark. Not close to any amenities. Poor schools. No viable community. Neighborhood falling to pieces. Not enough rooms to live in, let alone store your stuff."

"I don't get it," said the guy. "That's the exact opposite of what you said when you were selling it. What's changed?"

"Duh!" I explained. "Somebody else is getting the commission!"

People are so dense.